


25 Days

by NanamiYukari



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Anorexia, Anxiety, Attempt at a slow build, Bulimia, Cutting, Death, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Eren gets into fights, FTM, Levi has food weaknesses, M/M, Masturbation, Medication, OCD, Piano, Piercings, Pills, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Rough Sex, Smoking, Tattoos, Trans, Writer, drunk mistakes, ereri, ftm! Armin, ocd with Levi, suicidal, trans! armin, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 17:39:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4531041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanamiYukari/pseuds/NanamiYukari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm giving you till the end of the month. If you can't make a god damn difference then you're get the hell out of my life. Got it brat?"<br/>Levi is a 35 year old man suffering with depression, anxiety, ocd, and self-mutilation. He's given up hope, until Eren comes into his life. He is determined to make Levi happy at least once. The catch? He has till the end of the month to do it. Plus? He gets to live with Levi. Is that even a plus?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Over the Railing

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this sucks it's my frist Ereri fanfiction.  
> So um I tried. Enjoy. And I'm sorry my mind is dark. I like to torture characters.  
> Also, might I add that I am sorta writing this from my own experiences and mind and what not… if you get what I mean? I have Levi's problems basically.

~Levi's POV~

'Just one step, and it's all over. There will be nothing anymore. No work, no annoyance, no voices, no thoughts, no pain. Just one step.'  
I think as I sit on the railing of my balcony that is on the fourth floor of the apartment building. Below me sits the narrow city street and rushing cars and people walking fast to be on time with their busy lives. Pathetic.  
I swing my legs over the railing and step back down on my balcony and take one last drag on my cigarette. After that I slide open the door and step inside my neat apartment. I grind my cigarette into the ash tray on the counter and leave it there. I walk through my large apartment to my office room. The walls are a dark gray, theres a small window with a desk and computer in front of it with a gray couch next to it. I flicked on the dim light and sat down in my black chair and turned my laptop on, but gave the keyboard a quick wipe with a tissue before laying a finger on it. I gave the mouse a quick wipe as well and then tossed the tissue in the trash. The screen lit up and the start up screen appeared and I waited for it to load and then typed in my password. I clicked open word and opened my document I was writing.  
It's just a stupid fiction book… it started out on a stupid app cause I got bored on day and Hanji had mentioned it. So, out of complete and utter boredom, I found myself typing a stupid book about a neurotic man falling in loving with a happy stupid kid. Some how people liked it and it got popular. Then a publishing deal came along and now I'm a author… I'm on hiatus though. I have been since I was 28. Might I add I'm fucking 30 now. At this point I just write stupid random stories on my shitty blog but people like them I'm not sure why.  
Anyways, I continued being completely stumped on the stupid chapter, writing and rewriting endlessly. Theres just this one part I can't fucking get and it's been pissing me off non-stop for the past two fucking months. It's at the point where the stupid kid it's knocking on deaths door again cause he's carless and the Captain needs to save him, but even a slight wrong move could kill the kid.  
Eventually it irritated me and the dark thoughts came crawling back like vermin. I quickly clicked the save button and got up so quickly I almost fell over my own tiny feet. I flung the door open and dashed to the kitchen.  
I opened the white draw next to the sink and pulled out a prescription pill bottle. I struggled to twist the cap off and when I did I popped out a few pills - not like I care how fucking many - and swallowed them down dry and as quickly as I could.  
I turned and leaned against the counter and allowed myself to slide down the counter till my ass hit the floor. I starred at the pill bottle in my hand.  
Why do I bother if they barely help?  
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my knife. I flipped the blade up and rolled my sleeve up and with a strong swipe dragged it across my arm, over and over again.  
No thoughts ran through my head. I couldn't process what was going on. It was just… happening.  
Blood poured from the cuts and I made no attempt to wipe my arm clean. One after another I made red lines up and down my skin in all different directions.  
But still, they were never deep enough to kill.  
Eventually my arm was completely covered once again and I had no room left. I gingerly stood back up on my feet, careful not to wipe blood on the pure white counters. I made my way to the sink and washed the blood away. I let cold water run over the red cuts cause the water to turn a sheer orange. Eventually the water just had a slight orange tinge. The bleeding wasn't gonna stop for some, so I opened up on of the draws and pulled out my long ace bandage and wrapped it around my forearm. I gave my knife a quick clean and wiped it off and put it back in my pocket.  
I pulled down my sleeve with a sigh. I took a glance at the clock above the front door, it was roughly four thirty. The pharmacy would be closing soon… I should go but do to my social anxiety I avoid going places crowded like this.  
I made my way to the door and took my black coat off the rack and pulled each of my arms through. I opened my door and locked it behind me. I made my way down the apartment building's hall and came to the set of stairs and made my way down. I repeated this till I was on the bottom floor and made my way out of the building onto the sidewalk of the city. With my hands in my pockets I made my way down the sidewalk to the pharmacy. The sidewalks and streets were mostly empty at the moment which allowed me to feel more at ease.  
After about 3 minutes of walking, the pharmacy came into view. It was a white building with a sign on it that read, "Sina Pharmacy". My friend glasses freak, Hanji works here… they work as a psychiatrist in their little clinic thing. They're the one who got me on pills in the first place. Well, the ones that actually work. Of course my stupid SSRI my doctor prescribed me and it barely fucking works.  
I opened the door to the pharmacy and the little bell rung. The man at the counter looked up at me with a friendly smile.  
"Hello again Mr. Rivaille! Here for a refill?" He greeted. You could say I'm a regular here sadly. He's more like Hanji's little assistant. His name is Moblit.  
"Yeah… I need a refill for my 'happy pills'." I replied. He let out a light chuckle and I turned my head to the rest of the pharmacy and saw people surrounding me. There was a knot in my chest.  
"Sure, hold on one moment." Moblit said and turned to the shelves behind him and grabbed a white bag with a description stapled to it. He put it on the counter and I gave him the money required.  
"Thanks…." I said taking the little white bag.  
"No problem." He said with a smile. I stepped away. There was multiple people in the room. And through the window I could see people bustling down the sidewalk and cars going back and forth. Fuck fuck. My heart is pounding like crazy, it hurts fuck. I can't make it home. I become frantic, my eyes zipping across the room. I turn and speed walk to Hanji's office to hide.  
I quickly grip the knob with my now sweaty hands. I quickly open it and carefully shut it. Their office room was dark with only light from the window coming in. Behind their desk was two doors: one to the roof top, another to their bathroom.  
A million thoughts were racing through my head.  
I can't fucking take it. Life is such a burden. Why am I still here? Why do I keep trying to survive if I don't want to? I should just end it. Now. Let it all be over. Fuck it all. Fuck everything. Not like I was even fucking wanted in the first place. No one even fucking cares about me. I don't even care. Fuck it. I'm gonna do it.  
I opened up the bathroom door behind their desk and twisted the cap off to the pill bottle frantically. I dumped the pills into the toilet. I reached into my coat pocket and felt a sharp, thin edge press into my skin. I pulled out two razor blades and threw them in too. I repeated the same with my other pocket. I attempted to flush the toilet, but the blades must have clogged it. Oh fuck it all. I went back to their office and threw open the door to the roof top and climbed the stair case till I reached the top. I made my way over to the railing. My bloody fingers gripped the railing. My throat was closing and I could barely breath, the air felt so thick it was choking me. My hands found their way to my hair and tugged it as I held back a scream. And I did my best to take a deep breath that came out shaky. I put my hands back on the rail and took a slow step onto the rail. Then I let go and stood up slowly.  
This is it. Finally. The end.  
I took my last breath and put my arms out like wings. Then, I just let go.  
I began to fall forward.  
…  
But it stopped.  
I opened my eyes and fell backwards onto the roof. My back hit the roof floor hard, and I winced. Then a face came into view.  
"What the hell were you thinking??" A shaky voice called out. I expected it to be Hanji. My blurry vision eventually focused and then I saw who it was. Hovering over me with tears in their eyes, was some bratty kid.  
Without another thought, I punched the kid in the stomach.  
"Fuck!" He exclaimed falling back from my punch. "I saved you!"  
"I didn't need saving you fucking brat." I spoke with a harsh tone.  
I stood up on my feet and stood over the kid. He had slightly messy brown hair with bangs that sat on his forehead. He wore a crappy green jacket and a white shirt with a familiar pair of wings on them. He wore a pair of dark wash jeans and had on worn in black converse. His eyes were a unexplainable shade of teal, they were…  
My thoughts were interrupted by his stupid voice yelling back, "I'm not gonna let someone go and fucking jump off a building and kill them self!"  
"What does it matter to you? I don't have much left to live for anyways." I replied as he got up onto his feet. Fuck he's taller than me.  
"It matters to me cause I'm not gonna sit around and let some else die!" He shouted. "Why would you even want to end your life?! Life fucking sucks but it's amazing still! Don't you have the happy times?" He added with a deep sadness in his voice.  
"What happy times?" I said back in almost a mumble. "Just forget about it kid and get the hell out…." I turned away from him and went back to the stairs to Hanji's office. But he grabbed my hand to keep me from moving another step.  
"No! Don't go! I'm… I'm gonna help you. I may not be in the best place right now, but hey fuck it, right?" The brunette spoke with a light smile.  
"…look kid-"  
"No! I'm not a kid! I know what I'm doing! Nothing will change my mind about this!" He said giving my arm a tug towards him.  
"You really aren't gonna let this go, huh?" I asked with a sigh. He gave me a nod. "I'm giving you till the end of the month. If you can't make a god damn difference then you're gonna get the hell out of my life. Got it brat?"  
A smile beamed on his face and he threw his arms around me. "Thank you so much!!" He exclaimed.  
"Don't get so fucking touchy, let go!" I said and he let go slowly.  
"Sorry… so uh, I'm Eren Jaeger! I'm 20!" He said with a cheeky smile. Eren… huh?  
"Levi. Levi Rivaille… 35.." I said mumbling my age.  
"Wow, you look so young!" He exclaimed.  
I gave him a scowl. "Thanks." I said sarcastically.  
"No I mean- oh forget it…." Eren said hanging his head. Then he perked up again but then awkwardly spoke up, "Also… slight problem… I don't really.. have any where to go…." What.  
"Are you asking to live with me??" I asked with a face of disgust.  
"Please!! I promise even if I make you happy, I'll get out by the 25 days! I'll be clean, neat, I'll cook for you, I'll even do laundry and chores!" He said pleading with his hand together.  
"Fucking fine! But do NOT bother me at all!!" I said harshly. He smiled once again and almost jump up and down like a cute little kid. Wait no disregard that!! "I need to get home now it's late… are you coming?" I asked.  
"Yup!" He exclaimed and ran over to the stairway and picked up a backpack he must have drop when running to grab me earlier. I went after him and we both walked down the stairs to Hanji's office. He opened the door to their office for me and closed it behind himself. We both walked out of the pharmacy and started down the sidewalk.  
"so… where do you live?" Eren asked with those teal orbs staring at me with curiosity.  
"In a apartment just up ahead." I replied. Maybe this won't be so bad? Ha, yeah right. He maybe cute, but he's just a little brat….  
Then a thought came back to mind.  
"Hey brat, what did you mean by you weren't gonna let someone else die?" I asked slipping my hands into my coat pocket.  
"Oh… well, my mom died…." He said and let out a shaky breath. I didn't know what to say so I just hung my head low as if to say I was sorry for asking.  
My apartment building soon came into view and I opened the door and passed it to him.  
"It's on the fourth floor." I spoke as I lead him to the stairs.  
Once we reached my door, I opened it with my key and held the door for him and shut it behind him. I unbuttoned my coat as I heard him remark,  
"This is a really nice apartment…." I smirked and took my coat off and hung it on the coat rack. "What do you do for a living?" He asked seemly nervous to move at all as if he was on thin ice.  
"I'm a… writer." I said not knowing how to really describe my current place on my job.  
"Oh, cool!" He said with a smile. He turned to me and spoke, "I went to school for CIS (Computer Information System-it's like programming, coding, video games, computers, etc.), but dropped out cause I just didn't feel passionate enough…."  
"Nice story brat, now take your shoes off." I said and earned a eye roll. I got down on one knee to untied my black combat boots and slipped them off revealing my black socks. I left my boots by the door and saw Eren bending down to loosen his black sneakers to slip them off and leave them next to my shoes. I walked down the few stairs in front of the door and walked over to the door next to my bedroom and opened it. Inside was a room with light gray walls, a twin sized bed with a gray comforter.  
"This will be your room. Mine is right here, if you need anything, knock." I said gesturing to my door. He gave a nod and I added, "Oh, and the walls are thin." A pink blush grazed his cheeks and a smirk returned to my face. "And this is the bathroom," I said tapping the door next to what was now Eren's room.  
"What's the room. Next to yours?" He asked.  
"That's my office. If you can't find me, I'm probably in there. But if you turn the light on while I'm in there, I'll kill you." I spoke, sending him a glare.  
"O-Okay…." He trailed off.  
"Also, since you're probably a horny dipshit, no bringing back girls." I said.  
"What about guys?" He said with a smirk. Did he basically just say he's gay? Oh fuck, for some reason that makes me really happy….  
"…N-No, no exceptions." I said turning away to mask the blush that begun to dance on my pale cheeks.  
He went back in front of me and let out a little gasp at my pink cheeks. "…Wait are you gay?" He asked.  
"As a rainbow, Ocean Eyes." I said coming up with the nickname while catching a look at his bright teal eyes, and I poked in between his brows.  
"Hey!" He complained touching his fingers to the spot I had poked.  
"Oh calm down Ocean Eyes." I said with the witty nickname again.  
"If you call me Ocean Eyes, then I'll call you…" he thought for a moment before exclaiming his new nickname for me, "Clean Freak." He smiled and I raised my fist.  
"Fine! Fine!" He said throwing his arms up in surrender. "…Captain Clean Freak."  
"Eren I will beat the shit out of you." I said grabbing his shirt to pull him down to my height.  
"Captain Short Stack." He continued and I raised my fist to further threaten him. "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry I'll stop!" He said with obvious fear now in his voice. I let him go and he picked up his backpack he had dropped and brought it to his room but not before saying, "Captain Cutie." And shutting his bedroom door behind him.  
A blush now covered my face, this kid was flirting with me… wasn't he? Or was he just teasing me because I'm gay? Little shit….  
I made my way to my office and shut the door behind me. I sat down in my chair in front of my computer, and just stared at the black screen lost in my thoughts.  
This was a mistake. Why did I agree to some stupid kids idea? Fucking hell….  
I turned my computer back on and began aimlessly typing the chapter over and over again while smoking a cigarette causing the dim room to fill up with smoke. Still, I couldn't get the chapter right. My hands fly across the keyboard in between drags and my mouth began to have a prominent taste of the cigarette. The smoke made my eyes water slightly. The sun was setting as I wrote and my cigarette was almost complete done. I became so engrossed in my writing I had forgotten everything.  
This, my dear shits, is the reason I am so fond of writing in the first place. Everything else leaves my mind and I get to write about a story where some things at least work out… but it's not my choice, this is not based purely off my imagination. If you did think it was, get your head checked dipshit. It's all based off a series of dreams I keep having. My dreams are just as fucked up as my… everything.  
I was interrupted when I heard a voice cough and say, "Jeez! Are you trying to get cancer?!" I turned away from the screen and dug my cigarette into the ash tray.  
"Hey, that's another way to die." I said smirking slightly.  
"Levi, that's not funny." Eren said with a frown. Then a scent mixed with the smoke invaded my nose.  
"What the hell is that smell?" I ask getting out of my office chair.  
"O-Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I decided to cook dinner." He said stuttering. I pushed past him and went into the kitchen. There was a large bowl containing the finished meal, one of my food weaknesses, noodles.  
"I decided since you had some lying around, and it didn't seem like you were coming out of your office anytime soon, I made dinner." He explained with a smile growing on his face.  
"Thanks kid… where did you even learn to cook?" I asked out of curiosity.  
"My mom taught me basics when I was a kid… but after that my sister taught me the rest." He replied breaking eye contact and looking down at his feet. I pretended not to notice the tears glazing over his eyes.  
I opened the cabinet above the counter and grabbed two bowls and handed one to Eren. I put some noodles in my bowl and opened the draw up and pulled out a pair of chopsticks, and shut the draw with my hip by giving it a bump. I sat down on one of the seats that was in front of the opposite side of the counter. Eren soon joined me.  
However, he suddenly stopped and just rested his head on his hand and stared at me with those big bright eyes….  
"What?" I asked in a monochrome tone.  
A small smirk appeared briefly on his lips. "Just wondering what your story is." He spoke smoothly with a light sigh at the end.  
I rolled my eyes and let out a heavy sigh, "Jeez, what the hell is this, a first date?" I grumbled.  
"I'm curious to know who the guy I'm living with know is." He said with a light laugh at my comment.  
Those fucking ocean eyes got to me and I agreed to share my 'story' as he kept calling the shit hole that is my just wonderful life. "What do you want to know?" I asked.  
"Hm… what are your parents like?" He asked drawing shapes on the counter top with his finger.  
"Well, my mom was a prostitute, she disappeared one day when I was 5, who the fucking hell knows who my dad is, so I was mostly raised by my mom's brother. My uncle was tough on me but he basically just taught me how to kick ass and run the streets." I said. Eren looked up at me with a somber look. "Oh cut it kid, who really gives a shit? There were worse things in my life then a broken childhood." I said once again rolling my eyes at him.  
"Like?" He asked now wiping the sad look from his face.  
"Death. Rape, abuse, who really gives a shit-" I was cut off by Eren throwing his arms around my neck.  
"I'm so sorry Levi…!" He said hugging me tightly.  
"Jeez, kid no need to be sorry… it's okay seriously it's all in the past." I said and let out a sigh and pushing him off me. I got out of my seat and brought my now empty bowl and put it in the dish washer along with the chopsticks and Eren repeated this action. I made my way to the couch and sat down and turned the TV on. There didn't seem to be much on so I put on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" even though I'd already watched it with Hanji. Twice. They cried so much every time that I swear, they could have flooded the whole fucking room. Of course, it was sad but I wasn't gonna fucking cry, and Hanji scolded me for it while they disgustingly sobbed all over the god damn place. It was a good movie I guess compared to most.  
Eren said down next to me and hugged his knees to his chest as he watched. I found myself staring at him with a thought lingering on my mind and I slowly thought more about it. A sister huh….  
Eventually the brat noticed almost half way through the god damn movie and asked what I was staring for.  
"Your sister," I began. "Why didn't you just move in with her instead of crashing at some stranger's place?" He suddenly had a guilty look on his face and let out a nervous laugh.  
"Heh-heh… well, she'd kill me if she knew I had dropped out."  
"…You're a fucking idiot, Eren…." I said rubbing my temples.  
"I'm sorry!" He said throwing his arms around me. "I'm really, really sorry Levi!" He cried. "Please let me stay I like it-"  
"If you don't shut up I will kick you out." I said doing my best to push the clingy, crying brat off.  
"I'm sorry…." He said letting go.  
"You are such a brat, I shouldn't have even let you stay with me…." I said trailing off.  
"Sorry again…." He said. We continued the rest of the movie in silence. The brat began to look sleepy, and eventually I felt his head fall onto my shoulder. The movie came to a close, and I was about to shake the dipshit awake, but noticed how he was peacefully sleeping and decided to leave him be. I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and threw it over the both of us. I let my head rest on his, and everything soon faded out and my day came to end with myself and a shitty ocean eyed brat on the couch.  
Maybe this won't end so bad.  
Ha, yeah right.


	2. Heartrate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren learns a little more about Levi, and Levi has a flashback. Eren seems to be hiding something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title references to the song Heartrate 0822, the music box version is beautiful, I love it and the lyrics seem to fit the story quite well actually. So look that up if you want.

I awoke on the couch to the smell of breakfast invading my nose. I turned my head and looked over the couch to see a smiling face cooking in the kitchen. I untangled myself from the blanket I was in and got up and adjusted my shirt that had gotten turned around. I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the counter.  
"Ah, good morning Levi!" The smiling exclaimed turning around to face me with those beautiful eyes....  
"Morning…." I groggily said rubbing my own gray eyes.   
"I decided to make breakfast for us! I didn't know what you like, so I made eggs… is that okay?" He asked with his head tilting to the side. Oh fucking hell..  
"Yeah."   
"Okay!" He happily exclaimed with another beaming smile. He put the eggs on a plate and set them down in front of me. I picked my fork up and began mindlessly eating. They were pretty good actually. Almost as good as the noodles.  
"Oh, so I looked around a bit…," he paused for continuing and I looked up at him raising an eyebrow at him. "I found a piano, you play?"  
"Use to…." I quietly responded.  
"Well can I hear you play?" He asked staring into my eyes with that sly look of his.   
"Pfft… when I'm dead." I said rolling my eyes and continuing to eat my food.  
"Aw, I wanna hear you play." He complained. I ignored it and finished up my breakfast and put my plate in the dish washer. Before I went back to work in my little cave, Eren stepped in front of me holding up my pill bottles.   
"You just love to take care of me, don't you?" I said with great sarcasm. Eren gave me a look and opened each bottle taking out the required amounts and giving me the pills along with a glass of water. I let out a sigh and popped the pills in my mouth and took the glass of water from his hands and took a gulp to get the pills down.   
"Thanks brat, now let me go to my cave." I said in a annoyed tone.   
"Levi," he started and glanced down at something on me, but quickly tore his eyes away to meet mine.  
"What now?" I asked with a sigh and glare. A frown washed over his worried face.  
"N-Never mind…." He replied sadly. I rolled my eyes and went on my way to my wonderful little cave. I opened the door to my office and closed it behind me. The lights were off and the curtains were shut. I took a seat in my chair and turned the desktop computer on.   
What was Eren staring at even? I wondered as I ran an hand along my left forearm feeling the roughness of the scabbed over cuts and puffed up scars-. I looked down at my arm to see a few red lines peeking out on the very end on my wrist. Fuck. My bandage came off. He saw.  
My mind went into panic mode. Fuck, fuck he saw. He knows I'm not doing well at all. He fucking could tell Hanji and they'll fucking know I'm not doing better, then you know who's gonna have more therapy? Me. If they see how deep I'm going, they'll send me to the fucking hospital again.  
I jumped out of my chair and gripped my hair and gave it a tug. "Fuck." I whispered to myself over and over. I wish I just fucking cut without being forced or told to stop. I threw out the last of my blades of course-, the other room. I have my back ups in the other room.   
I quickly threw the door open and rushed down the hall, passing by Eren who was sitting on the couch. I went down the hall past Eren's room where in a open room, was a piano, book shelf, and cabinet. I threw the cabinet open and felt along the sides, until I feel a sharp end poke me. I pulled it out and let it sit in my hand while I stared at it.   
"Hey Levi, I'm gonna make tea, do you want some?" I could just barely make out the words he said. My head was so fogged up with my thoughts. "Levi? Are you okay?" He asked and I could hear him approach me.  
I tucked the blade into my pocket.   
"Yeah, fine. Uh, sure. I'll have some black tea. Nothing in it." I said hesitantly. I struggled to even get the right words out.   
"Okay," he said and paused for a moment while we both stood in silence. "What are you doing in here?" His words dragged on a bit in a questioning manner.  
"Just… cleaning up the piano. It's become disgustingly dusty." I replied calmly.  
"Oh, okay. Well, I'll bring you your tea in a moment!" He said with a smile and turned around to walk back to the kitchen.   
A sigh of relief escaped my lips. I probably should go through with my lie, it is quite dusty. I opened the cabinet back up and pulled out my duster and gave the smooth black surface a swipe with it. The clearness came back and I could almost see my reflection in the top of it. Once I had reached the keyboard cover I came to a stop.  
'Aw, I wanna hear you play'   
The brat's voice reentered my mind and I slowly lifted the keyboard's cover, revealing the shiny black and white keys. I let myself fall onto the cushioned black piano seat, and my fingers rested on the keys. My fingers began playing the first song I could remember.  
Right hand, E, F, E. Left head add in the chord, wholes notes for each chord. My fingers moved across with ease, and the familiar melody filled the room. Then, a voice chimed in. It was smooth and calming, and went perfectly on time, it gave the song a beautiful soft tone.  
"I’m sure that this world – I think I’ll have fully enjoyed it  
As for what I’ll leave behind, pretty much nothing;   
At your side, I think I just want to keep smiling  
Through the pounding in my chest, I still want to protect you  
As a reason to live, that’s fine by me  
One more, one more – I count the same tears,  
And once again, we know each other…."   
My fingers stopped and I brought my eyes to meet the ocean ones staring back at me.   
"…how do you know this song?" I asked. Stupid question Levi. Fucking. Stupid.  
"I-It's my favorite…." He stuttered.   
"I guess we have something in common…." I mumbled quiet enough for him not to hear.  
"Wait really-"  
His question was cut short by a familiar tone. I could hear my Skype going off, indicating that I have a call. I got off the piano bench and rushed to my office. I sat down and looked at the name.   
'Erwin Smith'   
Fuck. I quickly hit video chat to answer the call, and the video appeared. On the other end was my editor and close friend. He had a stern look, but trust me, he's… sweet. His blonde hair was perfectly in place and his thick eye brows were pin point perfect. He had a think jaw line, and blue eyes, making him what women would consider fucking gorgeous. And what I would also consider.   
I'm not going to lie, yes, I had a fucking crush on him that still sorta there.  
"Hello, Levi." His deep voice rang through the speakers of my computer.  
"Hello, Eyebrows." I responded with a smirk.  
"Have you gotten any where with your writing yet?" He asked with his eyes darting around, indicating he was reading something.  
"I've made some progress but I'm delayed." I sheepishly replied.  
He let out a deep sigh, "Levi, no more delays. You need to get it don-" he was interrupted by a ring.  
A call popped up, 'Hanji Zoë' I went to hit the red decline button, but Erwin beat me, and hit the accept button. Fuck.  
"Helllooo~!" A cheerful and loud voice exclaimed. A person with a messy brown ponytail and glasses popped up on screen and they were spinning around in their chair.   
"Levi, please explain." Erwin said sternly. Oh, that shit is gonna have Hanji help him pull it out of me!  
"Explain what?!" Hanji eagerly exclaimed moving closer to the screen with wide eyes.   
"Levi, heres your tea." Eren said from behind me.  
"OH LEVI HAS A LITTLE TOY!" Hanji shouted when Eren came into the background. I rubbed my forehead in distress and Eren set the mug down on my desk.  
"Oh, sorry I didn't realize you were on a call-" Eren got cut off my by bitchy, nosy friends.  
"Levi, is this why you're writing is delayed?" Erwin asked raising an eyebrow.  
"Levi, is a boyfriend really a good idea?!" Hanji asked in a concerned voice.  
"Um… I'm not Levi's boyfriend… I'm straight.." Eren said awkwardly bending down next to me to be in the shot.  
"Oh, good. Levi is still broken up ab-"  
"Hanji!" I shouted to shut them up before they disclosed everything in my life. "Okay, look Eren here is just a friend who through a complicated event, is staying with me till the end of the month. Erwin, I'm working on it okay? I'll have it done by Saturday." I said and let out a sigh.  
"Okay.." Erwin and Hanji said in unison.  
"Good. Now, I need to get back to work, see you Wednesday Hanji." I said before hanging up. There was a silence between Eren and I for a moment before he said,   
"I'll just leave you alone-" He was cut off by his stomach releasing a loud growl. He rested a hand on his flat stomach and turned and quickly left the room.  
"If you're hungry eat whatever you want." I gave a half shout to him. I shut the door with my foot and took a sip of my tea. Wow, he did good. The leaves aren't scorched.   
I pulled my razor I had just tucked away in my pocket, and held it in my hand. Then as if my body acted on it's own. I rolled up my sleeve as far as I could and pushed the blade down hard on my creamy white skin. With hard and slow movements I made deep and large cuts with my tool, allowing the red to appear in beads and roll down my arm, leaving a trail behind. I put the blade down and took a look at the four deep cuts on the middle of my forearm and pulled out a tissue from the box. I gently dabbed the cuts and applied pressure while waiting for the bleeding to stop.  
And a good 6 tissues later, it had stopped. I made sure to get the bloody tissues to the bottom of the trash bin next to my desk, to ensure they aren't found. I carefully placed my blade in the back of my desk draw and hoped it couldn't be spotted at first look. I shut the draw and shook the memory of what just happened from my head. I turned my attention back to the computer and found myself checking my social medias.  
I had my millions of notifications on my accounts and various emails. One in particular caught my mind. It was from Hanji.  
I clicked it open and scan along the words, muttering what I read under my breath.   
But the line that caught my eye was,   
'What's your input on being switched to just Prozac to tackle your depression, anxiety, and PTSD?'  
Oh wonderful. I rolled my eyes and ignored the email all together.   
Yes, I have PTSD. No, I was not in a war. This shit doesn't discriminate. Doesn't matter if you were in a fucking war or not, just having depression could cause it.  
Anyways, I found myself back to staring out what I have on the chapter so far and my mind being completely fucking blank. I reread what I had down, and the image of the Captain's lover began to shift into Eren. Now all I had was the image of the Captain and Eren making out stuck in my god damn head. A familiar feeling arose in my crotch. Nope. Not now.   
I quickly dismissed the thoughts and focused on writing. I can't have any distractions. None.   
A knock on my office door. Oh, how beautiful.  
"Yes?" I asked in a annoyed tone and turned around in my chair to face the door. The door slowly opened and Eren appeared in a work uniform. He wore a clean white button up with a black vest over it, and black slacks.  
"Uh, Levi I need to go to work. I forgot to mention, er I work at Sina Diner. I get off work at seven." He paused. I let a silence enter the room for a brief moment before he continued, "um, I work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. O-Oh, and a occasional afternoon shift on Sundays." He finished and waited for a response from me.  
"…okay." I said after yet another moment of silence.  
"Okay… bye." He said with a small smile and shut my office door. What's up with him? A little quieter and calmer than he was. Well then again I don't know the kid all that well. It could just be how he acts usually.   
I turned my chair back around to face the computer, but knew a struggle to write was ahead, so I just got up and left my office room. The apartment was now back to it's usual quietness, and I could see the sun was much lower in the sky now. I took a glance at the clock, '4:43' he must start at five.  
Guess nows the time to take a shower without being bothered.  
I made my way to the bathroom and stripped down, revealing my body. I'm not quite toned, but I am pretty strong. I have a pair of white and blue angel wings tattooed onto my back, (This is something admin wants very badly actually) that's always a struggle to see. They start below the nape of my neck and go down to the back of my hips where the feather are more spread. Yeah, I know, not something you'd expect from me. I brought my fingers to my ears and felt tiny round holes, 4 to be exact. I got them pierced a while back, but I really wear earrings now and they're too old to close up now. I use to have snake bite piercing too, but they became bothersome and now they're closed up. At least I think they are. I pulled out rubbing alcohol from under the sink, and a cotton ball and dowsed it in the liquid. I rubbed my earlobes thoroughly with the wet cotton to clean them, and after, put the alcohol away and threw the cotton ball in the trash.   
Now I could finally engulf myself in scorching water and scrub away at my skin till it was bright red. I reached in and turned the nob till it was in the red colored area. I pulled the curtain aside and stepped in, allowing the water to cover me. I reached from my shampoo, which was an apple cinnamon scent, similar to one of my many teas. (Admin really likes apple cinnamon tea okay don't judge) Put a small amount in my hand and scrubbed it into my hair, making sure to get down to my scalp and get my undercut. I washed that out and grabbed my conditioner and covered my hair in it, and washed it out, leaving my hair feeling soft. I grabbed my sandstone bar soap, and scrubbed away at my body, leaving my pale skin a bright red. I scrubbed my arms, legs, stomach, chest, hell, I'd scrub my whole back if I could. Once my body ways almost raw, I finished up and got out. I grabbed a towel and ruffled my raven black hair with it to dry, and I wiped my body down with the towel and then held it around my waist and grabbed my dirty clothes and left the now steamy bathroom and headed to my room.   
I opened my door and threw my dirty clothes into my hamper and let my towel drop around my feet. I opened up my closet door, and pulled out a pair of black plaid boxer briefs and black turtle neck sweater with long sleeves. I pulled my new clothes on and just left it like that, Eren wouldn't be home for probably another hour so I'm free to wear this.   
I stood in front of my large mirror and saw the pink scars on my upper thighs that peaked out from my bottoms. I'm sure if he saw these ones he'd lose it.   
I tossed my towel in the hamper and then headed to the tv room and sat down on the couch, snuggled up in a blanket that had lost my scent and was now over taken with a vanilla-ish pine scent.   
Must be the scent of the brat. Maybe I should just kick him out…. Since when have I cared about someone or let them help? Hmph. I guess in what will probably be my last month, I'll let this be… sorta as a gift goodbye. What damage could this really do? I'll be dead soon.  
I hugged my small legs to my chest and let myself fall over and lie down. My eyes wandered to the clock, 6:05. Had I really been in the bathroom for that long? Time's a bitch.   
I pulled myself up off the couch and into the kitchen and opened the fridge and pantries. I'll just make some rice. I pulled out a pot and filled it with water and put it on the stove to let it boil, and poured in the box of rice. I set the timer for 15 minutes and made my way back to the couch.   
I scooted closer to the end table and opened the draw and pulled out a box of cigs. I opened up the half empty package and pulled one out. I rummaged around in the draw for my lighter before successfully getting it. I held the cig between my lips and attempted to get my old lighter to emit a flame.   
Eventually I got a small one and was able to now let out a puff of smoke. Drag after drag the end turned to ash and my mind wandered until I found myself in a horrifying flashback.  
I was in the hall of a hospital, the walls were white, everything was and it gave me chills because it brought me back to past memories. I made my way to a wood door and slowly opened it with a deep breath and shut it behind me.  
In the room was a woman with strawberry blonde hair sitting next to a man with beige-ish blonde hair who was lying in the hospital bed. She was wearing her boots and plaid pajama pants along with her brown jacket over one of her random large graphic t-shirts. Her hair was disheveled, showing she had obviously just been pulled out of bed.   
"Petra," I spoke softly and sat down in the chair next to her. She threw herself onto my chest and gripped my black long sleeved shirt.   
"It's back." She mumbled into my chest.  
"…what?" I asked in disbelief.  
"Auruo's brain cancer… it's back." She cried. Auruo was her husband of three years, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 glioblastoma 2 months ago, but got it removed, he went back home, when through physical therapy, but now, here we were.  
"He fell, and I went to help him up, but he could barely stand he had no balance. His blood pressure was so high, I called the hospital and they got his blood pressure down." She paused and took in a deep breath, "And they said his tumor was back. When he woke back up briefly, he asked how Erd was." She begun to sob again. "I couldn't bring myself to remind him. I can't take this Levi, I can't stand this."   
This was the first time Petra completely broke. From then on, I stayed with her, she would have nightmares and cry for hours. Hanji stayed with us too when Petra started to really lose it.  
I use to play the song on the piano to Petra all the time, in attempt to calm her down…. It was her favorite, even the rest of my friends had loved it… a very old friend has introduced me to the song….  
I snapped out of my flashback when I heard a loud beep from the kitchen. I dug my cig into a near by ash tray, and dusted the ash off my bare legs. My vision was blurry and I brought my hands to my face to find that tears had dripped down my face. I got up and when into the kitchen, and turned the burner off, and scooped the rice out into two bowls. I grabbed one bowl and a pair of chop sticks and sat down at the counter. I took a bit but I couldn't keep eating. All that was on my mind, was Petra. She was the nicest person I'd ever met in my whole fucking life….  
I heard the door open and couldn't bring myself to look up. I could hear Eren struggle to take off his shoes, and then I could hear his feet shuffle as he made his way towards me.  
"Levi?" He asked with a sad tone.  
"Yeah?" I asked barely even looking up at him.  
"Are you okay- er where are your pants?" He asked interrupting himself.  
"Oh… uh… fuck." I said put my arms down over my scars. "I uh I didn't feel like putting any on?" I replied hoping he didn't notice.  
"Okay, fair enough.." He said trailing off a bit. He made his way past me and went into his room and within a few minutes, reemerged with blue plaid boxers and a black shirt with his green sweat shirt over it. "Thought I'd join in." He said with a smirk as he made his way over to me.  
I let a light grin tug at the corners of my mouth. "I made rice for dinner."  
"Oh, no thanks, I already ate." He said hesitantly.  
"Okay?" I said bringing my half empty bowl into the kitchen to put away for later along with Eren untouched bowl.  
"Are you really okay?" He asked in a unsure tone.  
"Yes, Eren." I said with a sigh. I went over the the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of my favorite whiskey. "Do you want anything?" I asked turning to him.  
"Um… I'm 20."  
"And I don't care, what do you want?" I asked with a straight face. Ha get it.  
"…I'll have some vodka." He said sheepishly.  
"That's the spirit, kid." I said pouring him a glass, and taking a swig from the bottle of whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoped you enjoyed, new update out soon cause I cannot control myself.   
> Warning, usually I work on one thing a lot at a time and then move onto something else and just keep rotating around.


	3. Tears that Were Shed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi talk about the past, and cry a lot. Though, Levi might be onto something about Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I find it funny how much Levi and I are alike in this story. Seriously…. I feel like what I've written is almost like a slightly altered version of my life, you know, minus Eren.

One moment we were calmly drinking, and somehow we got to the brat drunkenly going on about his life.  
"So, I have this friend Armin, and when I first met him, he long blonde hair, he wore long skirts, and the same long blue sweater every day. I always knew there was something about him." He paused to take a sip of his drink, "Then one day he showed up to wear him, my sister and I usually hang out and he was wearing pants for the first time, and sneakers. He said, I'm a boy, and then I shouted, I fucking knew it!!" Eren stopped to laugh and then finished with, "Mikasa scolded me for swearing for the rest of the day."  
"You have interesting friends." I said not knowing really what to say.  
"What are your friends like? Besides the two you were talking to earlier." He asked resting his cheek on his hand.  
"Pfft… well, all dead except one who is knocking on death's door." I said and felt tears come to my eyes. Fuck I hate being drunk.  
"Levi, I'M SO SORRY!" Eren cried and loosely threw his arms around me. Jeez, how drunk is this kid? "I'm gonna be your best friend, and I'll make you happy!" He said and let go of me to take another sip of his drink. Apparently very drunk. Then he raised a finger and lightly pushed my nose. "Boop." He giggled like a little kid.  
"Never do that again." I said.  
…  
Yeah, that's most of what I recall from last night. But I'm not telling the shitty brat. Might I add I just woke up, on the floor, in front of the couch, with  
Eren's arm dangling in my face as he is sprawled out on the couch.  
"Levi…" I could hear him mumble in his sleep. I ignored him and got up and stretched out. Before he could wake up, I went to the bathroom, to brush the whiskey out of my mouth, and then headed to my room to pull on new underwear, jeans, and shirt. Now, I wore my favorite black skinny jeans, and black long sleeved shirt. From the living room I could hear a loud growl.  
"Fuck…." I could hear Eren groan from the couch. I went back out to see Eren with bed head hair, which looked kinda cute, and his shirt half on. He pulled it all the way on and got up.  
"Hungover and hungry?" I asked. He sighed and nodded. I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. "How bad is it?"  
"The hangover isn't that bad, just a headache." He said running a hand through his hair.  
I opened up the draw where my pills are, and pulled out the pain killers and tossed them to him. He took out four and swallowed them dry. He sat down at the counter. "Can you make me something small to eat? I don't wanna have to much… my uh, stomach feels upset." He said looking down at the table.  
"Yeah sure." I replied thinking nothing of it, and pulled out a box of cereal, a bowl, and milk. I put it together and slid it across the counter to Eren, and handed him a spoon.  
"Thanks." He said and ate at a seemingly quick rate.  
"No problem…." I said watching him stuff his face. Eren had quickly finished and got out of his seat to put his bowl and spoon in the dish washer.   
"I'll be right back…." He said and headed to the bathroom.   
I sat down at the counter and waited for the kettle to go off.   
I thought back to last night. So, he'll be my best friend huh? Funniest thing I've ever heard. Deep down, it's making me laugh.   
Eren soon emerged from the bathroom, his cheeks red and puffy, he seemed very dizzy and dehydrated.  
"Eren, jesus!! Are you okay?" I asked getting out of my seat.   
He cleared his throat and said, "Yeah fine."   
"You don't look fucking fine! "Why the hell did I let you drink?!" I said aloud as I went into the kitchen to fill a glass of water and ran back over and handed the glass to him. He let out a sigh and took it from me and took a few big gulps.  
But my eye was caught by the marks on his hand, but I decided not to mention cause not my business.   
"I thought you were here to take care of me jeez…." I mumble.  
"I'm sorry Levi… I'm not the easiest to live with…." Eren said looking down at his glass with a somber look.  
"You're nothing calm down." I said rolling my eyes at his expression.   
"Okay…." He trailed off. "L-Let's talk about something else." He said sitting back down at the counter. I took the seat next to him. "Like, what was your dream about?" He asked.  
"Hell… uh the same one I've been having recently, I'm walking down a hall with a duster, and around me theres people in the same uniform as I am, cleaning the building I'm in. And as I make my way, I see someone familiar in sight, so I go over to him and…," I can feel my face get hot as I can think of the familiar face as Eren and he spins around and exclaims 'Captain!' And gives me a kiss. And I call him a brat after…. "Uh that's all I remember." I lie and look away with my face red.  
He let out a light laugh and said, "Mine was I was told by some important man, I forget if he was a corporal or captain, to clean the west wall, so I used this weird gear to hinge myself to wall and scrub it, while he glanced up at me with a smile." A smile crept up on his face as he talked. "But then suddenly I grew hella tall and was like some weird tall monster!" He exclaimed throwing his hand. "Quite a dream, I had a similar one before, except I saw a boy turn into a large monster-" Then I was cut short as the kettle began to whistle and I got up from my seat and ran over and took it off the burner. I pulled out the black tea and a mug. I could see him watching me from the corner of my eye, he kept opening and closing his mouth like he was trying to say something.  
"Hey Levi, when you uh… came out as gay… what did your friends say?" He asked looking away. I'm honestly, about 85% sure this kid is gay, and theres like a 15% chance he's bi, pan, or poly, but I doubt it.  
"Um, they didn't care. Why you ask?" I question, curious as to why the hell he'd think to ask.  
"No reason, just curious…." He said and trailed off.  
"How many boys have you dated?" He asked as I continued making my tea.  
"Hm… one, he was on and off for a while." I replied after thinking for a moment. I turned around and leaned against the counter. "What about you?" I asked shooting the question back at him.  
"2… um the second one actually dumped me the day I met you. The first one though, is now my sister's girlfriend. We dated just to cover up what her and my sister were really doing. But then my dad found out, and my sister got kicked out." Eren explained looking down at the counter. There was a brief moment of silence till I turned back to my tea and said,  
"That's tough.."  
"Yeah… if I told him I'm gay, he'd beat the shit out of me. So good thing I'm straight I guess." He said with a sigh. I took my tea and sat down next to Eren.  
"What does your mom have to say about what your dad thinks?" I asked taking a sip of tea.  
"My mom's dead." He responded in a monotone expression. "But I'd like to think she'd be supportive of Mikasa…. She could be strict, but she was still amazing." He said with a sad smile now growing on his face. "I remember one day Mikasa said that I don't wanna go to college and be a singer. My mom flipped… but on her death bed, she told me she was sorry, and to be who I am, do what I want, and love who I love." Tears started to fall from the corners of his eyes. "And then just like that, she closed her eyes and smiled… and that was it. I remember grabbing onto her hospital bed and sobbing while Mikasa had pried me off." He wiped his tears away. "I'm sorry…."   
"It's okay, cry as much as you want, I don't give a damn." I said taking another lengthy sip of tea. He cried for a few more minutes before his tears ceased.   
"Hey, Levi…?" He asked softly.  
"Mhm?" I responded through my drink.  
"Do you believe in reincarnation?"   
I paused for a moment before responding, "I guess, I don't think everyone gets reincarnated though."   
"Hm.. What if we're reincarnated?" He thought aloud.  
"Well then we are, not much to it." I said taking another sip.   
"What if in another life, we had unfinished business with each other, and that's why we even met again?" He asked with complete curiosity in his voice.   
"Oh my fuck, well then we are, for some reason, who cares? Oh, not me." I said and he immediately took that as the hint to shut the hell up and clamped his mouth shut. A few more moments of silence passed and I could hear the clock tick away the seconds.  
"Can you play that song again?" He asked breaking the quietness.  
"No." I abruptly responded.  
"Why?!" He asked shooting up out of his seat.  
"It holds shitty memories, so let's not, okay? Calm the fuck down." I said angrily, and took another sip of my tea before getting up and dumping it out, and leaving the mug on the counter. "I'm going into my office, don't fucking bother me." I said and stormed off.  
I threw the door open and slammed it shut behind me. I threw my back against the door and let myself slide down till my ass hit the floor.  
I could hear him lightly knock on my door, "Levi, I'm sorry please…."  
"Just fuck off Eren! Leave me the fuck alone or I swear I will fucking kill myself-" I stopped myself realizing what I was saying.  
"Levi, don't please!" He said and I could hear him almost start to sob. I didn't respond, because I had begun to cry myself. "Why are you so upset because of a fucking song?!" He asked almost a little to loudly. "Levi?…! You're being kind of a-"  
"Cause I fucking played it at all my friends fucking funerals!" I cried out. I received silence as a reply. Then the door burst open, and I fell back works. Eren got down on his knees with his hands on both side of my head, but he was upside down to me.  
"Levi, I'm sorry…, I know I say that all the fucking time, but I'm really sorry… I… I…." He failed to speak and silence grew between us, and lasted for what seemed like minutes… but then he began to lean down closer to me. I just closed my eyes, and let him lean, until I could feel his breath on my lips for a few brief moments, and went it left, he was running away off to the bathroom once again. I rolled over on the floor and sat upright in the door way.   
He was about to kiss me… right? Shit and I was gonna let him…. What is wrong with me recently jesus fucking christ. Now I'm 95% sure, that was a hella gay move.  
I got up onto my feet and walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the closed door.  
"Hey little shit, why'd you run off?" I asked. All I got was the sound of gagging from the other side of the door. "Eren? What the fuck are you doing??"   
"I'm just… s-sick." He stuttered.   
"Do you want me to come in?" I asked, but the door opened after I asked.  
"I'm fine no-" he cut himself off and ran back in and crouched in front of the toilet and threw up. I walked over and kneed down next to him and put a hand on his back, that he shooed away. "Don't touch me… I'm disgusting…." Eren said. He just stayed in the same spot and I decided to let him be…. I got up, and left the bathroom, and went back into my office and sat down at my desk. I sighed and rested my head on the desk table.   
I ended up writing more, or at least doing my best to. I wrote, thought, and smoked, for the rest of the day. I thought about everything, like what the fucking hell I'm even doing. Why haven't I downed a bunch of pills? Why haven't I tied a rope to the fan? Why haven't I just cut too deep? I could do it, get it over with, and that would be it. But knowing if I did that, the brat would most likely soon follow. So am I really still living and breathing all for this brat? Well, I assume it's better than nothing…. All I have to do, is just make it for 22 more days. Then, I'll get to go with no guilt or grief-  
"Levi… dinner…." There was a voice and quite knock on my door. Bullshit, it can't be dinner.   
I checked the time on my computer, six-thirty. I let a sigh escape my mouth and I left my office. I made my way to the counter where Eren had set a bowl of noodles. I sat down and stared at the bowl.  
"Hey Levi," Eren started, and I looked up at him as a response. "I was thinking tomorrow, we should do something."   
"What do you mean?" I asked and picked up my chopsticks and began picking away at my noodles.  
"Well… maybe we could go out together. Like what are places you wanna go?" He asked resting his cheek on his hand.  
"Well, I have to go see Hanji tomorrow in the evening. But I don't usually leave the house. Only to buy groceries and other necessities. So, you pick." I said. He sighed, and once again drew shapes on the counter with his finger.   
"Maybe we could go out to eat, and just see where we go from there?" He questioned.  
"No destination isn't my thing." I replied shoving more noodles into my mouth.  
"How about I bring you to my favorite book store then?" Eren said with a smile now growing.  
"Sure, at least it's quiet and no one is going to be breathing down my neck." I said after swallowing the very last of my noodles.  
"Okay! Sounds good!" Eren exclaimed.   
"Mhm." I said putting my bowl and chopsticks in the dish washer.   
"So do you wanna leave for breakfast whenever or?" He started and followed me as I walked toward the balcony.  
"We can leave at nine." I replied and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one. Eren watched me do this and after I took my first drag he asked,  
"Have you ever bothered quitting?"   
"Have you ever bothered shutting the hell up?" I snapped back.  
He rolled his eyes and said, "Seriously Levi, it's best to stop now."   
I took another drag and replied, "I mean, I've tried the simple gums and patches but they're bull and don't do shit."   
"Why don't you try a nasal spray? I have a friend who used it, but then he got addicted to the spray and had to get himself off it." Eren said still watching me.  
"If you really want, I'll try to stop." I said, this was a lie, I know I won't live long enough to even start to stop.  
"That would be good." He said and rested his arms on the railing.  
"Have you ever tried to smoke?" I asked.  
"Yeah, but from the wrong end like an idiot." He said staring out at the city below us.  
"Damn, that sucks." I said and crushed my cigarette on the railing and threw it off the balcony. I stood there next to him and glanced up at him. The orangish lighting from the setting sun looked beautiful against his tan skin. His bright eyes were darting along the scenery. Fuck me, he's attractive. He caught me glancing at him and looked away after our eyes had made contact.   
"What?" He asked.  
"…nothing." I replied.  
"I'm sorry." He said now looking back at me. "For being like I was today."   
"It's fine, I was kinda an ass too. Sorry." I said back. Then he turned to face me and said,  
"Levi, I promise I'll make you happy… I'll show you life is worth living, no matter what it takes." I wanted to believe him, but inside me I knew I couldn't. I knew it would take so much to make me happy once again, and something this simple, couldn't make me even sightly happy for once. I simply nodded my head in response.

Later that night, I awoke from a disturbing dream. As I recall it was some what of a flash back of my mother and I. Something about life and don't fuck assholes or something. My body was tangled in my comforter, and my silk pajamas were a mess. I got up out of bed, and straightened them up, and went into the living room for a cup of tea to calm me down. But I stopped when I opened the door and saw Eren in the dim kitchen light. I observed from my doorway.   
I could tell he was on the phone and seemed frustrated.  
"I've gotten a little bit better I guess." "I'm able to hold it down a bit longer. Sorta." "Yeah, I am, but I got a recommendation." "Yeah." "But… what if he finds out and thinks I'm disgusting?" There was a long pause while he listened to the other person. "Thanks, Armin." "Talk to you later. Bye." Eren hung up and put his phone back in his pocket. He sighed to himself, and ran a hand through his hair. I made my way towards the kitchen and he looked over at me.  
"Oh, sorry Levi, did I wake you?" He asked quietly.  
"No, I had a shitty dream." I responded standing next to him in the kitchen now. I just stared up into his eyes while thinking. Deep down, I know I yearn for him, but I don't want to admit it. Love has never helped before when I'd drown myself in it. It made things worse, much worse. Love is a façade of happiness that plays dirty mind tricks on you… knowing this, why do I want him? Why do I allow him to slowly move in on me? Why do I-  
"Levi…?" He asked after I had stared at him for far to long. This little shit confuses me so much, and I hate him for that.  
"You not disgusting but you're one fucking hell of a brat." I said and turned to leave.  
"Thanks?" He questioned slightly and I went back into my room. Well fuck me. "See you in the morning?" He added, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. I, am quite the idiot. Then suddenly I heard quick footsteps and "Oh shit!" And I just hear Eren dash to the bathroom and cough, doing what I'm assuming is puking his fucking organs out. Once he was done and flushed the toilet I could hear him begin to sob, "I was so close that time… so fucking close. I almost made it."  
I thought back to the conversation he had over the phone, 'hold it down a big longer'…. My mind began to think, he's almost always in the bathroom, throwing up most likely… is he ill? Does he have a medical condition? Is that why he's so thin or something? He was still crying in the bathroom, part of me wanted to comfort him, but the other part won me over and I threw myself back in bed, and I allowed myself to fall asleep to the horrible sounds of Eren's gentle cries that echoed off the bathroom walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for that being uneventful, I didn't wanna rush things. Also I've noticed people mentioning the amount of detail and description I put into the writing, and it's a coping mechanism I do in real life to help keep my grounded so I thought I'd incorporate it into Levi as well, since after you practice so much you do it automatically when you feel anxious.


	4. Can't Help Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren drags Levi around, and they talk a bit, and Levi gets some interesting info from Eren's friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> Hey, guess, so I know I updated quickly I'm really into this. But sorry if progress becomes slow soon, I'm starting up school again soon, and I also have therapy, and I struggle a lot with anxiety, depression, (not gonna sugar coat) and self harm when in school >

I was awoken by my bed bouncing vigorously and a bratty voice shouting,  
"Wake up! It's fucking nine o'clock!"  
I picked up the pillow next to me and chucked it at the brat's head, earning a thud from him hitting the floor.  
"Levi! Get your ass out of bed!" Eren said in a aggravated tone. I groaned in response, refusing to move from my comfy sheets. But then cold hands gripped my ankled and gave them a tug, and pulled me out from the covers, off my warm bed, and onto the cold floor. Before I could crawl my way back onto the bed, the cold hands then reached under my armpits and lifted me up.  
"Eren!! Put me the fuck down!" I complained thrashing around for him to put me down. He rolled his eyes and set me on my feet.  
"Go get ready, I've been waiting for an hour for you to wake up!" He said folding his arms over his chest.  
"Fucking fine! I'll get fucking ready, just fucking go wait for me in the other fucking room, fuck!" I said pushing him out of my room and slamming the door.  
"You say fuck a lot…." He said from the other side of the door as I began to take off my pajamas.  
"Yeah, it's my fucking favorite fucking word." I said making my way to my closet and picking out a new outfit.  
"You must do it a lot if it's your favorite word." He commented, and I could feel my face heat up.  
"None of your fucking business." I said and finished getting my new pair of pants on. I went to put my shirt on, but it had a huge fucking bleach stain down the front of the black shirt. "Ah, fuck me!" I complained and went back over to my closet.  
"Um, no I'm good." Eren said still outside the door.  
"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you!" I said and dug through my closet.  
"So, you're gonna fuck yourself? Have fun, I'll go in the other room and plug in my headphones." He snickered. What a fucking little jackass with his stupid comments jeez….  
"You are such a little shit, Eren!" I shouted, putting my new shirt on.  
"Aw! Love you too!" He said. When I opened the door, he stood completely in the way, with one arm braced against the door frame. I bent down and walked underneath his arm and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and what not. He followed me in and made eye contact with me in the mirror the whole fucking time.  
Okay, now I can't tell if he's fucking with me, or trying to fuck me, god fucking dammit.  
I opened up the draw, and pulled out eight black studs. And took the back of each and began poking them through their holes in my ears.  
"Woah, wait you have piercings??" Eren asked going closer to take a better look.  
"Yeah." I simply replied, and finished with putting them on.  
"Do you have anymore?" He asked with wide eyes.  
I gave a nod, "Yeah, use to have snake bites." I said and left the bathroom with him following me. I made my way to the coat rack and pulled off my black coat, and pulled it on, and buttoned it up all the way. Eren was already wearing his usual green sweat shirt. I put on my combat boots and laced them up tight, while Eren laced up his shitty converse.  
"Ready to go?" I asked, taking my messenger bag that contained my note book, pens and pencils. And maybe a to go size windex. And to go size bleach. And wipes. Okay, so maybe I also have some hand sanitizer. I swear, I only have a slight cleaning problem.  
"Yeah." Eren said and then opened up the door for me and locked it behind us.  
We made our way out the building, and into the messy city streets where I allowed Eren to lead the way.  
"So what's this place called?" I asked.  
"It's called The Rose. It's just two blocks away, I've gone there ever since I came to this city." He said looking straight ahead. "Do you have a car?" He asked slightly glancing at me.  
"Yeah…, but Hanji has it. I tried to kill myself by driving into a parking garage wall, so she took it away." I explained. Theres so many countless tries I've made, but they either ended in the hospital or institution. You wouldn't believe some of my crazy attempts if you even saw them.  
"Oh…." Was all the response I've gained from him.  
Eventually his face lit up and he ran ahead, and pointed to a with a flashy pink sign that spelt out the name. I caught up to him and he opened the door up for me. He lead me to a both with red cushion seats and a white table. The dinner had a black and white tiled floor, and white walls with two black stripes running along the walls. There was a white counter in the front, where there stood a freckled boy at the register.  
Eren sat across from me gave me a cheeky smile.  
Then a short waitress with blonde hair a blue eyes approached us with two menus in hand.  
"Good morning, and welcome to Rose! My name is Krista, and I'll be your waitress today. Here are the menus, and I'll be back shortly!" She exclaimed and left two menus in front of us and went back to the counter and talked to the tall freckled boy.  
I flipped through the menu, and looked under hot drinks to see Earl Grey, perfect. Then looked through the breakfast menu and decided to go with a Belgium waffle. When I put down my menu, I saw Eren staring at me with his cheek rested on his hand.  
"Stop staring, it's not helping with your claim of straightness." I teased him. He rolled his eyes at me once again. "I wouldn't be surprised if you're just a closet case…." I mumbled.  
"Levi, I'm straight. I've had a girlfriend." He said.  
"That doesn't really mean shit Eren." I said and he shrugged and let out a sigh, seeing convincing me was hopeless.  
"Levi, can I talk to you about something?" He asked trying to make eye contact but just couldn't.  
"Can I talk to you about something too?" I shot back. Maybe I can ask him what's up with him and being sick or something.  
"Ye-"  
"Are you ready to order?" Krista asked cutting us short.  
"Uh, yeah." Eren replied. "I'll have non-decaf coffee, and pancakes please."  
"I'll have Earl Grey tea, and the Belgium waffle." I said and she wrote it down on her note pad.  
"Alright! I'll have those out in a bit!" She said taking out menus and going over to the kitchen.  
"Levi, what the hell were the marks on your wrists from?" Eren asked quickly.  
"What the hell do you think they're from?" I asked leaning back in my seat.  
"Levi.. why?" He asked looking into my eyes for an answer.  
"It's as addicting as smoking or doing drugs. Once I started, I couldn't stop. That fucking simple." I said looking away from him.  
"…Can I help you in any way?" Eren asked. So I guess he understands he can't say to stop.  
"Keep me occupied." I said simply. I was telling the truth, only way to prevent it, is to keep me busy so I don't have time to do it. "So what exactly are you sick with?" I asked making eye contact once again.  
"Um I don't know." He said with a nervous smile.  
"Aw, yeah no, cut the bullshit Jaeger. What do you have? I heard you talking on the phone with that Armin boy." I said narrowing my eyes to show him I wasn't gonna fuck around.  
"…Okay… fine. So I'm just medically ill, it's just something I have to live with." He said looking down and blushing because he was ashamed. All that because he is just ill? Jeez..  
"Oh, well that's not too big of a deal." I said.  
Then Krista came back over with my tea and Eren's coffee and said, "I'll be back with your food soon." And walked back off to the kitchen.  
"Yeah… so um… are your only cuts there?" Eren asked awkwardly glancing at my arm.  
"No, I have scars on my legs, hips, waist, stomach, upper arms, chest, and I use to have some on my neck but the scars faded." I said and took a sip of my bitter tea. Eren had paused in adding the cream to his coffee.  
"Levi… I'm sorry…." He said looking into my eyes.  
"You didn't make me do this, no need to apologize." I said. He sighed and continued putting the cream and sugar into his coffee. So yeah, I really am covered in scars. I use to not care about people seeing, but then people romanticized them and began trying to find a deep dark meaning to it in my life and digging into my life where they aren't suppose to. You know why I fucking cut? It was cause I felt trapped and depressed and it was a stress reliever, now I just can't stop. It's no one's fucking business to why I fucking hurt myself.  
"Here you are! Enjoy!" Krista said snapping me back to reality where in front of me sat a waffle wig whip cream on top and powdered sugar dusting it. Across from me, Eren had a plate of two pancakes with butter on each. I picked up my fork and knife and cut into my waffle and took a bite. Eren glances up at me and that fucking cute smile spread across his face. Then he reached over the table and ran a thumb over the corner of my mouth and trailed onto my cheek, cause me to blush a bright red and pull away a bit. He smirked at my blushing face and then licked his thumb off.  
"You had whip cream on you." He said.  
"You're a fucking tease…." I mumbled and took another bite. He smirked and put a piece of his pancake in his mouth.  
I ate my food in silence while Eren obviously attempted to slowly eat and pace himself, instead of shoving it into his mouth all at once.  
"Hey Levi, what were you like as a teen or young adult?" Eren asked, already finished with his pancakes, where as I was just finishing up.  
"Well, I started dealing with depression, in my teens. I smoked pot, did some morphine… they didn't satisfy me. So I started smoking cigs instead. I was… some what rebellious. Yet, I had no parent to rebel against." I said and stopped to drink my tea. "I was punk… sorta thugish."  
"Really?? Levi, you were a thug?" Eren asked snickering a bit.  
"I said sorta, jeez." I said. I reached into my messenger bag and pulled out an old picture from my senior year of high school, and one from my junior year in collage. I put them on the table and passed them to Eren to look at.  
The one in high school, had me wearing a black t-shirt, and a black hoodie. I had my snake bite piercings, and my four piercings on each ear. I also had my fake septum piercing in the picture, because I was too lazy to deal with another piercing. Next to me on one side was a girl with a cheeky smile, and red hair in pigtails. She had eyes similar to Eren's, but hers were a duller color, unlike bright eyes over here. The other side of me stood a boy with pale brown hair and grey eyes with a smile on his face. Those two people were my best friends…. Like I said, were.  
The other picture consisted of my study group from college, who soon became my closest friends who stayed with me for a while. There was Gunther, Eld, Auruo, and Petra. Of course I was in the picture, in all black with piercings, and my dull expression. But damn, these fuckers where with me when I was my lowest, I'd be dead if it weren't for them. Petra had a crush on me, and I remember Auruo did everything to be like me to impress her. Though, I came out, and her and Auruo ended up together. Ah, memories. So sweet, but yet painful has hell.  
"Wow, you look different, but yet you don't in some way." Eren said passing me back the photos.  
"Yeah… I guess." I said took them and put them back in my bag. Then Krista came back over with a black little book and said,  
"I'll leave this here, pay when you're ready." She said and put it down on the table and went back to the counter. I began to pull my wallet out but then Eren chimed in,  
"Put that back, I'm paying." He said and began pulling out his wallet.  
"No, I got more money than I need. I'm paying. If you fight me on this, I'll kick you out." I said with a clever smirk.  
"Fine." Eren complained. I pulled out the required money and left it in the little black book and got up from the booth and then Eren followed.  
"So wheres this book store?" I asked him as we exited the dinner.  
"Just down and across the street." He said with a smile. He made his way down the street and I followed him. Then we crossed, and in front of us was a somewhat small unit that had a gold sign that read, 'Maria Wall Books'. Eren opened the door for me and then walked in after. On the sides were rows of books, and in front was a desk. In the back was a little cafe area. At the cafe was some kids about Eren's age, and at the desk was a blonde boy with a coconut haircut and blue eyes that quickly moved as he read the large book in his hands, but when he heard the little bell on the door ring he looked up. Actually, everyone did.  
"Eren!" The blonde boy exclaimed, putting his book down. Did everyone know him or something?  
"Hey Armin!" Eren said with a smile lighting up his face once again. Then the kids from the cafe ran over. One had black hair and matching eyes and a red scarf around her neck which she buried part of her face in. The girl next to her had blonde hair pulled up into a messy bun and blue eyes, the two of them were holding hands. Then there was a boy just an inch taller than me who had shaved down hair and a girl with brown hair in a pony tail eating a potato.  
"So, this is Armin, my sister Mikasa, her girlfriend Annie, and this is Connie and Sasha, they're together." Eren explained and gestured to each person as he introduced them. "And this is Levi!" Eren said gesturing to me. Fuck off kid, I can introduce myself.  
Suddenly, the next thing I knew, Eren's sister was in front of me, drilling me with questions. Protective… would be an understatement.  
"Has Eren told you yet?" She asked.  
"About the medical illness thing?" I asked, thinking that's the only thing she could mean.  
"Not quite medical… more mental." She said a little quieter as if she didn't want Eren to hear us talking while he was catching up with his friends.  
"What?" I questioned, now completely clueless to what I thought I grasped.  
"I can see why he wouldn't tell you… he did tell me till I caught him with his finger down his throat 6 months after he started." She said glancing over at him as she spoke.  
"He's…." I couldn't even finish my sentence because I wasn't 100% sure if my guess was correct.  
"An anorexic bulimic. He started soon after mom died." She finished for me. Our conversation was interrupted by Eren pulling us into the conversation with the rest of the group. Of course he's fucking bulimic, someone that happy has to be hiding something.  
"Psst, Levi," the coconut blonde whispered to me. I turned to face him to give him my attention. "Has Eren said anything to you about being gay or something?" He asked.  
"He claims to be straight as a pole, doubt it though." I said talking a glance at Eren's beaming face.  
"Everyone doubts it, but I bet he'd come out to someone like you." He said with a wink, and then turned back to the group conversation. What was that wink? Does he think Eren will trust me enough or something? Or does he think Eren likes me? Seriously, I feel like people are leaving me on fucking cliffhangers. That's my thing only I can do that.  
"So Levi, you like living with Eren?" The potato girl, Sasha, asked.  
"Besides the fact that he's a shitty brat," I paused as people snickered. "He's pretty okay. Not that bad." I finished.  
"Aw, Levi you're too kind." Eren teased.  
"So how'd you meet anyways?" Connie asked. Eren and I exchanged an awkward glance, not knowing if we should be honest.  
"We met at Sina Pharmacy. Long story really." I said still exchanging glances with Eren.  
"We got time." Sasha said taking another bite of her potato.  
"It's… personal." Eren said biting his lip. Ah fuck me he looks perfect when he bites his lip.  
"If you say so." Sasha said in between bites.  
"So, Levi, you got a boyfriend or something?" Annie asked, after being silent for a while.  
"No, but how'd you know I'm gay?" I questioned. Is it that obvious?  
"Eren talks about you a lot." Mikasa answered for her girlfriend.  
"Oh shut up." Eren said, playfully hitting his sister on the arm.  
"Oh please Eren, you sound like a school girl with a crush." Mikasa said rolling her eyes at her brother.  
"S-Shut up Mikasa!" Eren said lightly blushing as his sister laughed. The laughing eventually died down and then Eren said, "Well, Levi and I better get going! We'll see you guys again soon!" Eren exclaimed and then grabbed my hand and lead me out the door as I waved a silent goodbye. We walked down the sidewalk a little further, until I stopped him.  
"Eren, why didn't you tell me what was really going on?" I asked staring at his face for an answer, only receiving him bite his plump lower lip again and look away. "You'd never disgust me. I could never think someone as beautiful as you, would be disgusting." I said and cupped his face with my hands.  
"You think I'm beautiful?" He asked. A wet drop hit my face. Then another, and a few more. There were white icy flakes falling from the sky…. There where white specks in his hair now, and ones sitting on his shoulder. "Ah, it's snowing… let's get back home." He said putting his hand on mine and then I removed my other hand. He took my hand and lead me along the way home, while looking up at the cloudy grey sky. The warm temperature from Eren's hand was so nice, I didn't want to let go. So when he began to let go, I held on tighter and mumbled,  
"You're hand is warm…." I felt like a little kid, scared to let go of a parent's comforting hand.  
"How about when we get home, we turn up the heat, and have some tea." Eren said smiling.  
"And some booze?" I asked giving him a puppy dog like face.  
"Sure, some of that too." He smirked. Soon the apartment came into view, and when we walked in, we were greeted by the warm air blasting. We made our way up the flights of stairs and back into our apartment. I shed my coat and left it on the rack, and pulled of my boots. I walked quickly towards the couch and grabbed the blanket draped over the back and wrapped it around my small body.  
"I'll make the tea and the booze." Eren said and I watched him walk into the kitchen.  
"Just the whiskey please… and you can grab what ever drink you want." I said. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey, and two glasses  
"I'll have the same." Eren smiled and then sat down next to me on the couch. I lifted up the blanket for him to warm up with me, and he wrapped himself up. He poured us both a glass, and I immediately downed mine.  
"More please." I said holding my glass out, and he obeyed.  
"Hey Levi?" He asked, now finishing up his drink.  
"Hey Eren?" I shot back. He smiled and began pouring himself another drink. I finished my second glass, and took a sip from the bottle this time.  
"How do you feel.. about me?" Eren asked. I could now feel my face heat up, and my heart beat picked up the pace.  
"You're a brat. What else do I say?" I said. Eren finished up his glass.  
"I don't know." He said smiling at me. "Do you like me, hate me?"  
"Mh… I like you… but you piss me off sometimes." I said, now struggling to find my words, as the alcohol began to take over. Eren's face was already turning drunkenly red.  
"Why do you think I'm beautiful?" He asked with those ocean orbs shining as I stared into them.  
"B-Because… I…" I began to trail off as I found him shifting so he now had his hands on both sides of me. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a long sip. He waited for me to continue now. "I… think you're… u-um.." I failed to complete my sentence, but I didn't have to try much further, because now, I had a pair of plump, warm lips, resting on mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
> Sorry for the cliff hanger… by the way, love you guys, and thanks so much for the reviews I love them so much! I love to hear your thoughts on the story and what not.


	5. Nothing to No One at All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan   
> You're probably gonna cry  
> Or hate me  
> Probably hate me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I lost the whole chapter cause we couldn't retrieve what was on my phone, so this is poorly rewritten.

He pulled away and waited for me to give an okay. I pulled him back in and began to move my lips against his and soon the room was filled with the sound of our lips smacking together and heavy breaths in between kisses. He began to push me down onto the couch, and I bit at his lip desperately to get him to part his lips. He obeyed and my tongue invaded his mouth. He quickly dominated me, causing me to let out a moan. He began to pull my shirt off as his kisses trailed down my neck and to my collar bone.   
All it took was one kiss and he had me practically melting at his finger tips.   
His hands were messily running all over my body as his kisses returned to my lips. I couldn't help but buck my hips against his when I felt the erection growing in my pants. I let my hands travel up his shirt and he took it as a sign to take it off. I could barely take a look before he plunged in for another deep kiss. He unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, and I took his hand and led it into my boxer briefs. I couldn't help but let out a moan,  
"Ah~ E-Eren!"

That's most of what I remember.

I lifted my heavy eye lids, and could feel a gentle breath tickle my forehead. I removed my face from the warm body it was pressed against, to see Eren's sleeping face. Wait we're shirtless. Oh okay I only have my pants unbutton and unzipped. Wait what happened last night?  
I shook the sleeping boy in front of me in attempt to get some answers out of him. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.  
"Mh… what?" He spoke. Then he looked down at me, and his face turned a deep red. "What the fuck?!" He shouted and got off the couch.  
"What? Too drunk to remember last night?" I asked with a smirk.  
"Did we make out?!" He asked, seeming a little worried.  
"Yeah and you stuck your hand down my pants-"  
"This isn't fucking funny Levi!" He said and I instantly silenced myself. "I don't like you like that! I-I'm not gay!" Eren said grabbing his shirt and pulling it on.  
"Eren, face it you're gay-"  
"No I'm not!" He now shouted.  
"You're just saying that cause you have fucking daddy issues!" I shouted and immediately regretted it when it came out of my mouth. Tears began to prick his rage filled eyes.  
"Fuck you!" He shouted and then ran into his room and I heard the lock on his door click. I ran over to his door and knocked. I could hear his soft cries from the other side.  
"I'm sorry, Eren please." I said. I couldn't console him much further cause my phone rang. I grabbed it off the table and answered it. "Hello??"  
'Levi! It's Hanji! You never showed up yesterday, did something happen?" A voice spoke.  
"Oh, shit sorry. Uh yeah? Do you want me to come today?" I asked trying to put my words together. Maybe leaving him alone for a while will let him cool down.  
"That would be great! Can you come right now?" She asked and I could hear her flipping through pages.   
"Yeah, I'll be there in five." I said and ran a hand through my undercut.   
"Okay, see you then!" They said and I hung up. I made my way back over to Eren's door and lightly knocked.  
"I'm gonna go to therapy. I'll be back in an hour." I said softly, but loud enough for him to hear. I got silence as a reply. I sighed, and made my way to my room and quickly threw on a clean outfit, and discarded my dirty clothes in the hamper. I made my way to the bathroom to freshen up, and then put on my coat and boots, and headed out.   
When I exited the building, I was hit with a blast of the cold December air. There was about five inches of snow on the ground, but the streets and sidewalks had been cleared over night. I had to walk on the very edge of the sidewalk at some points to avoid walking in the snow. I finally made it to the pharmacy, and made my way to Hanji's office and let myself in.  
They had their hair in a messy ponytail, and wore a yellow button up with a white sweater over it.   
"Hey Hanji." I said and sat down in one of the cushioned seats in front of her desk.  
"Hi Levi, so what's been going on?" They asked with a sympathetic look on their face.  
"I fucked up." I was able to croak out.  
"In what way?" They questioned.   
"In every way." I replied. "Things were going good. I met his friends, and he had kept throwing up, and so they told me he's a anorexic bulimic. And they said that they think he's gay, and so do I. But his dad it homophobic so I think he's scared to come out cause he doesn't wanna be disowned like his sister was when she came out."  
"So, how'd you fuck up in all of this?" They asked sitting back in their chair.  
"Last night, when we got home, we got a little drunk. Well, him more than me. And uh, he kissed me. And we made out. This morning, when we woke up, he was really pissed about it. I said he was just scared to face that he's gay because of his daddy issues, he ran off into his room and then you called and here I am." I finished and looked up at Hanji for a reaction.  
"Well, it seems like you're right. But besides now, how did he act towards you before?" They asked.  
"He was really caring and sweet. He wanted to help me, which is what even started this. He caught me trying to kill myself, and said he'd help me be happy by the end of the month, and if not, he'd leave." I explained further.  
"I think you should apologize, and let him hear what he wants. You should let him get comfortable again, and then ask him when you think he is. Maybe then he'll be more open and talk more about it." They said and I listened with the memory of Eren screaming and crying in my head with guilt in my heart. "But what about you? How do you feel about him?"   
"I care about him." I said bluntly.  
"Levi, you know what I meant." They said raising their eyebrows.  
"I don't know! He's adorable as fuck, but I don't know how I feel about him. I don't want to hurt him. It would easier if I were nothing to him, nothing to no one. That would make it easier. Then I wouldn't have to worry about acting on how I feel towards him." Hanji reached over and took my hands in theirs.  
"Levi, you like this kid. I can tell. I've known you for years. It's okay, don't be scared. It's all gonna work out, and if it doesn't, it's for a reason. Like he could end up being an asshole. And if that's the case I'll kick his as for playing you." They said with a light laugh. "Don't worry. I'm sure this will work out. Even if a lot of things haven't, I get the feeling this will be the one to work out." I felt like crying. Hanji always seemed to do this whenever I was down. But it worked, and it made me calm down and feel better. "Alright, out sessions over. Same time next week?"  
"Yeah. Thanks Hanji." I said and gave a light smile.  
"No problem." They said and gave me a smile before I left. I made my way out, and back down the snowy streets and quickly upstairs through the warm building. I opened the door, and shut it behind me but then my mouth quivered at what I saw.  
Eren was on the couch, dressed, his backpack on his back and a note in his hands while he fumbled with his sneakers.  
Tears blurred my vision and my arms were dropped at my sides.  
"Levi, I didn't wanna burden you-" i cut him off when I bolted towards the bathroom as tears flew from my eyes. I went for the only thing I knew. I grabbed my hidden blade from the mirror frame and rolled my sleeve up.  
"Levi!" Eren shouted and burst into the bathroom, he grabbed my hand that held the blade and forced it away from my arm.  
"No! Let me die already! You were going to leave me like everyone one else I ever fucking loved!" I cried out. I continued to cry out protests as he tried to pry the blade from my hands. I tried to fight back and kick him but it was difficult with him behind me. Eventually I stepped on his foot and was able to make a quick slice in my wrist, which was hopefully deep enough. It was deep I could tell from the pain, but it might now be deep enough. I went to make it deeper, but Eren knocked the blade out of my hand.   
"No! Let me die!" I cried out. He picked me up by my waist and I thrashed around.   
"I'm going to clean you up in the kitchen Levi," he said and carried me out into the kitchen. He pushed me against the counter and pulled my coat off while holding me down, and then rolled up my sleeve further and ran my wrist under warm water. I cried while watching the blood from my wrist tint the water. I began to calm down a little but I began to feel Eren tears drip onto my neck.  
"I don't want you to hurt yourself like this Levi. I care about you." He said and nuzzled his face into my neck from behind me.  
"Then why were you going to leave me?" I croaked out through my tears.  
"I thought I was a burden on you, and I was hurting you." He said into my neck. He turned off the water, and still had me pressed against the counter. He opened the draw and pulled out gauze wrap, and covered my wound. He put medical tape on it to secure it, and then let my wrist go. He turned me around to face him, and wiped the tears from my eyes.  
"Did I? Hurt you I mean…." He asked trailing off.  
"I… you could never hurt me… cause I…," I let out a deep shaky breath before continuing. "I love you." I said and looked down and waited for the response of rejection.   
"I'm still trying to figure things out, Levi. But I'm not gonna suppress the attraction towards you, whether it's romantic, sexual, or platonic, I'm attracted, and it's safe to say…." He took a long pause and put a hand on my cheek. "I love you too." I waited for him to kiss me, but it didn't happen. Instead he pulled me into a hug so I was pressed against his chest, and he stroked my hair. "Do you wanna talk about anything?" He asked releasing me but still running his fingers through my hair.   
"…you made me cum in my pants last night." I admitted and he let go of me and awkwardly rubbed his arm.  
"And the mood is ruined." He said and let out a nervous laugh.  
"Sorry.." I mumbled.  
"It's okay." He reassured me.  
"Can we talk about you?" I asked and then lifted myself onto the counter.  
"What about me?" He asked.   
"Why do you have an eating disorder?" I asked. He tensed a little and closed his eyes.  
"If you're gonna say I look fine and shit please save it." He said.  
"I won't. I just wanna know the story." I replied.  
"Well… I was 13 and my mom had died a few months before. After that, my dad would go to work, come home, yell at me, and call me worthless. He and everyone else but Mikasa blamed me for what happened to me and I thought if I starved myself and threw up it would make it stop and… it didn't but I couldn't stop but it kept happening and I, it wouldn't stop, and-" he cut himself off while trying not to cry.  
"What happened to you?" I asked looking into his teal eyes.  
"I was… r-raped." He stuttered and threw his face into his hands to cover his crying face. I got down and pulled him into a hug this time. "You probably think I'm so disgusting." He cried into my neck.  
"I think you're beautiful." I said and laid small kisses on his neck in attempt to calm him.  
"I'm used…." He cried and touched where I had left the kisses.  
"If it's not consensual than it doesn't count." I said and wiped the tears from his pretty eyes. "Eren you're fucking beautiful."  
"Thanks Levi… but what do you even mean by that? Why am I beautiful?" He asked staring into my eyes.  
"You have a cute face, highly attractive body, damn your thighs are fucking hot, you have perfect lips, your hair is fucking adorable in the morning, don't even start me on those eyes." I said and kissed his cheek. Okay so I kissed his jawline, I couldn't reach his cheeks. He blushed and smiled, and looked away. His face turned into a surprised one when he got a glance at the clock.  
"It's 4 already! I was gonna go shopping today!" He said almost jumping out of his skin.  
"You can go. I'll be fine." I said and stepped away from him to let him go.  
"Are you sure?" He asked giving me a worried look.  
"Yes, I'll be fine Eren." I reassured. He nodded and pulled out his phone.  
"Anything you need?" He asked tapping away on his phone.  
"Apple cinnamon tea." I said rubbing my undercut. He smirked and typed that into his phone.  
"What?" I asked when he made the smirk.  
"Nothing." He brushed it off and then made his way to the door. "I'll be back soon honey." He teased making a kissy face. "I'm gonna bring you back something special." He said with a wink and smiled.  
Once he had left, I made my way to the balcony for a smoke. I stood there and took a few drags, with thoughts of the past slipping into my head as I relaxed. I felt my eyes close and I could see red hair in front of me, and suddenly, I was on the floor of my living room in front of my coffee table. I could hear shouts of a familiar voice.  
"Big bro!"   
In front of me was a needle of morphine and a bag of white powder that was still open on the table. I was shaking and I was inhaling shaky breaths.  
"You idiot!" The voice shouted pounding her tiny fists on my chest.  
"I-I couldn't t-take it I just n-need a l-little bit-"  
"I thought you would stop, you're going to die!" She cried out. I look straight at her now. It was Isabel, this was the last time I had seen her, before she and Farlen got killed in a stupid fight with the thugs that were giving me the drugs. I could see the hurt in her eyes, and how worried she really was. It was my fault she died. I let so many people get killed because they were worried about me. It's all my fault. I don't care how many times I'm told it's not, it's my fucking fault they died. I'm such a selfish asshole. I couldn't even help Petra because I had to listen to Hanji and start going to shitty biofeedback bullshit. I could still smell feel the humid muggy air as I made my way through the back yard when I saw her…  
"Petra! Petra! No, please come back!" I didn't realize I was screaming on the floor in front of the balcony door with tears streaming from my eyes as I sobbed till I choked.  
"Levi, Levi sh, it's okay, it's okay." I could hear Eren whisper. I began to calm down a bit as I realized I wasn't at that moment in time anymore. Instead, I lied on the floor with Eren's arms around my torso, and he was wiping tears from my eyes.  
"It's my fault…" I choked out and threw my arms around him while my tears wet his shoulder. He rubbed my back to calm me while I looked around the room while I continued to sob into his shoulder. I could see the door was shut, but by the door was several shopping bags with the contents spilling out. The brat didn't even take his shoes off… that idiot.  
"Are you okay?" He asked now pulling me away and looking me in the eyes.  
"I let her die…." I spoke, with my voice cracking as I looked down at my lap.   
"Who?" He asked cupping my chin with his hand and catching my eyes.  
"I-I don't wanna talk about it right now…." I said and threw my arms around him and resting my head on his chest   
"Well, I got you a present." Eren said gently pulling me away and then entangling a hand with mine. He picked up the bags and then brought them over to the counter. He reached into one of the bags and pulled out something. He opened it up and said, "Close your eyes." I obeyed and I felt him put something on my head and then I felt him pull on the hem of my pants. My eyes flew open and I spun around and saw him staring at me wide eyed. "Aw, you're adorable!" He exclaimed.  
"W-What??" I asked. "What did you do to me??" I ran to my room to get a look in my mirror. Eren followed me in and I got a look. I had two black fuzzy ears on my head and a black tail hangs from my hips. "What the fuck is this some kind of fetish??" I asked standing on my tippy toes yelling at him.  
"No, but you're like a cat so I thought I'd make you one!" He exclaimed petting my head.  
"I am not a cat… I like dogs." I said crossing my arms over my chest.   
"Then I'll be your dog and you'll be my cat." He teased and then went back into the kitchen to put away the groceries. I followed him out and sat down at the counter. "Aw you followed me out." He said and put the kettle on the stove.  
"You're an ass." I rolled my eyes at him.  
"I know." He smiled.  
You know I'd be fine being nothing to no one… but I kinda wanna be something to him.  
It felt kinda good to say it.  
I want to be something to Eren Jaeger, because I shamelessly love him. Even if he is an annoying brat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hope you liked that sorry it was short I'm working on other ereri things too.  
> Also so my name is Evander now. Hope that's cool with you guys!


	6. Lost Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many tears  
> Didn't mean for Levi to get so soft but hey sometimes we can't help it.   
> Sometimes we as humans let our guards down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so like 3 thing- wait 4:  
> 1\. i'm getting a second name cause I'm jewish and I never got named under a temple so I got to choose my name so I chose Levi. So I'm Levi.  
> 2\. I have an enbyfriend (it's the nb equivalent of a bf or gf)  
> 3\. I got over 2,000 followers on my tumblr messagesfromlevi  
> 4\. If you haven't noticed all the titles in this story except the first are all songs that relate to the chapter. If you wanna see a full list of which songs and who they're by tell me

"Come here kitty!" Eren teased sitting on the couch and patting his lap.  
"I hate you." I said standing as far away from him as possible. I still had the ears and tail on and I was not going to let this brat treat me like his bitch or something.  
"Aw, Levi don't be so grouchy!" Eren complained pouting. "I'll give you some catnipl if you come here~" he said rubbing his fingers together and making kissy noises used to get cat's attention.  
"No." I stated and turned my back to him.  
"You're being so cold." I could hear him get up and come over to me. I turned around and went to escape to my room but instead ran into him. He grabbed me by the waist and held onto me.  
"I hate you." I said once again and looking up at him with a scowl.  
"You're such a cute kitty Levi!!" Eren exclaimed petting my hair.   
"Still hate you." I said crossing my arms over my chest.  
"I thought you loved me." Eren teased twirling my hair in his fingers. I blushed and looked away. I then swung my foot into his ankles, causing him to lose his balance and fall over. He hit the floor with a thud and I gave him a smirk before stepping over him and making my way to my room. I stuck my tongue out at him before going into my room and shutting the door. I walked over to my mirror and unclipped the cat ears and set them down on my nightstand along with the tail.  
That kid would be the death of me. 

That was last night. Now, it's not even 4 a.m. yet and I'm being awoken by my phone ringing. I groan loudly and reach out from my covers and feel around for my phone. I eventually find it and swipe the answer button.  
"Hello?" I groan into the phone and sit up in bed, brushing my ebony bangs out of my eyes.  
"Levi," I hear Hanji softly cry into the phone.  
"What? What happened?" I asked now fully alert.  
"…Auruo's gone." I couldn't respond. I couldn't cry, I couldn't react. "Levi? Are you okay?" They sniffled.  
"I don't know…." I said into the phone. The first thing that came to mind was running to a blade for comfort, but I did my best to push that aside and focus.  
"Um… I'm here if you need to talk. And um… the funeral is today at 2. The service is going to be the same as Petra's." Hanji shakily said with sadness in their voice.  
"Okay…. I'm gonna go and get some sleep… I'll talk to you in the morning." I couldn't even stop to say bye, I just hung up.   
Fuck I needed a smoke. I blindly made my way out of my room and grabbed the carton of cigarettes on the counter and the lighter next to it. I walked out onto the balcony and was engulfed in the darkness of outside. I pulled a cig out and flicked the light on, emitting a flame and lighting up the cigarette between my thin lips. I put the lighter in my pocket along with the carton of cigarettes. I inhaled a smooth drag and stared out at the starry sky above me. The thing is, this isn’t as bad as it was when the others went… I’m used to this news now. It’s become so numbing and all feels just fake. It feels like he’s just gone on a vacation or something rather than have left for good. I knew he was gone and I won’t be seeing him ever again, but something in me either didn’t want to accept it or just didn’t comprehend or… I don’t even know anymore. It’s odd though, I feel the need to call up Petra and tell her he passed, even though if there is such thing as an afterlife, she would already know. I can practically see her scolding her, but then giving him a loving smile, and he bites his tongue and blood spurts out everywhere.  
“Mmh… Levi why are you up?” I heard Eren ask from behind me. I turned around and blew out a puff of smoke.  
“Hanji called. My friend died.” I replied.   
“I’m sorry…”  
“It was bound to happen. Brain cancer’s a bitch.”  
I took another drag and leaned against the railing.   
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Eren asked taking my hand in his.  
“I’m good… just come with me to the funeral later. Please.” I asked giving his hand a squeeze. “It would mean a lot to me.”  
“Of course.” Eren said rubbing my hand with his thumb. “I’ll be right beside you.”   
“Thanks brat….” I said taking one last drag and then crushing it into the railing and throwing it off the balcony. I turned back to Eren and sighed. “I’m going back to bed.” I slipped my hand out of Eren’s and made my way back inside. Eren followed me into my room and I turned to him for answers.  
“Mind if I sleep with you?” I gave him a scowl and he put his hands up in defense, “I don’t mean sexually! I mean so I can like comfort you… n’stuff….” he explained. I sighed and sat down and patted the space next to me. He smiled and got in the bed and under the covers with me. I got comfortable and waited for sleep to wash over me. But it didn’t I lied awake with the memories I had with Auruo and the others in my mind. I held back the tears, and my body shook and I felt that heavy feeling in my chest. I really want to cut, but with Eren next to me I wouldn’t get away with it. I felt cold and alone.  
Then Eren’s arms wrapped around my small torso, pulling me into his warm body. I let my body relax in his hold. And for once, in a very long time… I didn’t feel so alone.

The next morning I woke to feel Eren gently shaking me awake. I slowly opened my eyes in the dim morning light. In front of me was Eren hovering over me. His brown messy hair was a mess and his bangs hung in his eyes.  
“Morning. I made breakfast and found your suit and ironed it.” He spoke softly. I sat up in bed and stretched my arms out.  
“I need a cigarette.” I mumbled.  
“No way mister cigarette breath!” Eren exclaimed and gave me a messy kiss on the cheek. I gave him a pout and complained.  
“quit it brat.” I swung my legs out of bed and got up and made my way into the kitchen. There was a plate of pancakes set out on the counter with a bottle of syrup next to it and a steaming cup of tea. I sat down at the counter and lifted the cup of tea to my lips and took a sip.  
“I decided to make you a cup of Red Rose.” Eren said making his way over to me. He made his way to the kitchen and he scrubbed the dishes in the sink. I watched him while mindlessly eating to get my mind off things. While he cleaned the dishes he was humming a tune and swaying his hips to the hums. Damn, this kid was cute. But fuck, I still wanna cut.  
Eren turned around and wiped his hands off and a frown grew on his lips when he noticed I had been scratching at my scarred arm. He walked over to me and lifted my arm and laid a kiss on my wrist.  
“Levi, if you’re hurting please talk to me.” Eren said and pulled me into a hug.   
“...I wanna cut.” I mumbled into the crook of his neck. He rubbed circles into my back and whispered,  
“You can get through it. I promise. I’m here for you. You don’t need the blade.”  
“But I want it Eren. I need it.” I said burying my face in his neck.  
“No you don’t, you just think you do but you don’t need it.” He whispered sweet words into my ear and did his best to comfort me, and I did my best to listen, no matter how bad the urges were. After a few minutes and some silence he asked, “You okay now?” I let go of him and nodded my head, and Eren ruffled my hair.  
“Good.” He said and smiled at me. “Now you go get ready, take shower and brush your teeth mister cigarette breath!” Eren exclaimed pointing to the bathroom.  
“Okay… but please eat breakfast first.” I said getting up and brushing my hand along his.  
“I’ll do my best.” He said with a smile. I gave him a quick smile back and went into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I sighed and began to strip down to get into the shower. Once I was completely naked, I turned the hot water on and stepped in. The lightly scorching water hit my skin and dampened my hair.  
I washed my hair with the conditioner and shampoo and went onto scrubbing the hell out of my skin till it was red and raw. My cuts stung, and for once I wanted to get out of the warm shower. I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel on the back of the door and wrapped it around my body. I ruffled my hair with the towel to dry it a bit, and wiped my body down. I put on deodorant and sprayed on some cologne. I grabbed my toothbrush and gave my mouth a good clean and swished some mouthwash around.  
I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the bathroom door and felt the cold air hit me, sending a chill through my body. I made my way to my room but was stopped by Eren freezing in the kitchen to look at me.  
“Nice.” He muttered. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Nice tattoos heh-heh. Yeah, they’re really nice.” He said awkwardly laughing. I smirked and went into my room and shut the door behind me. I let the towel drop to the floor and I pulled out a new pair of boxer briefs and pulled them on. I pulled a white t-shirt out of my closet and put it on, then turned to the ironed suit on my bed. He really did a nice job on it.  
I pushed my legs through the black slacks and zipped and buttoned them. I gingerly put on the white button up, careful not to wrinkle it, then I got my white cravat out and tied it around my neck. I pulled out a pair of socks from my draw and pulled those on and slung my blazer over my shoulder and grabbed my dress shoes from the closet and left my room. I draped my blazer on the back of the couch and set my shoes down on the floor. Eren must have been in his room, he wasn’t anywhere else.  
Before I was left alone with my thoughts, there was a knock at the door. I got up from the couch, and made my way to the door and opened it up to find Hanji in the doorway. They wore a long sleeve black dress that stopped at their knees, black tights and black flats. They walked in without a word and I shut the door behind them. Without even a peep, they pulled me into an embrace.  
“Levi, who was at the door?” I heard Eren ask behind me. Hanji let me go, and I turned to see Eren in his doorway, with a white button up on, and a black tie around his neck, and black skinny jeans on. He had mismatch white and gray socks on and a pair of black ankle high work boots in his hands. The way he was dressed made him look like a teenager still.  
“You must be Eren.” Hanji said approaching him.   
“Yes, it’s nice to meet you.” He replied and he set his shoes down and went to shake Hanji’s hand, but instead they pulled him into a huge.  
“Wow you’re even cuter in person!” They exclaimed letting go of him.  
“Oh uh…!” He remarked becoming flustered. “Thanks?” He said in a questioning tone.  
Hanji gave him a big smile and then turned to me.  
“Roll ‘em up hun.” They said to me. Eren gave a puzzled look. I up buttoned the cuffs on my sleeves and rolled them up revealing my forearms. There were only the old scars and the one from the other day. They opened their mouth to mention, but I cut them off.  
“It wasn’t about Auruo. It was something else.” I said and looked away while rolling my sleeves back down and rebuttoning the cuffs.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hanji asked. Eren still stood there watching in silence, with the face of a sad puppy on..  
“No. We can talk about it next time.” I said and they gave a nod of understanding.  
They decided to switch the conversation back to Eren. “So, Eren tell me about how your life with Levi is.” Hanji said.  
“Oh! Um, interesting to say the least….” He replied in an awkward tone.   
“Interesting? What the hell do you mean by that brat?” I asked approaching in a threatening manner.  
“Well I mean uh-!”  
“Hey, we better go soon!” Hanji said pointing to the clock. Eren nodded and sat down on the couch to put his shoes on. I put on my blazer and slipped my feet into my dress shoes.  
“Okay, I’m driving.” Hanji said and I gave her a nod. Eren followed us out and I locked the door to the apartment. We made our way outside to Hanji’s minivan parked in front of the building. I opened the passenger door seat, but saw a pile of papers in the seat and on the floor. Along with trash. Lots of trash. I visibly cringed at the sight and Hanji rolled their eyes and shut the door and opened the back seat door for me.   
“You two are both in the back, get in.” Hanji said and then walked around to the driver’s seat.  
I got in and buckled my seat belt. There was a gap between Eren and I, but somehow that gap ended up being filled by hand holding. His hand was warm and comforting and made me wanna cry a little. The car ride was completely silent the whole way to the church.

Once we had arrived to the church after the seemingly endless car ride, I did my best to keep my face normal. Walking in was Erwin, along with Mike, Rico, Hitch, Nile, and Nanaba. Some other people I had been friends with, but were not as close as the others had been. We all stepped out of the car and all approached the church.  
“Erwin.” I said approaching him.   
“Levi, good to see you in person again.” He said and shook my free hand-Eren and I were still holding hands-. I gave him a nod in agreement and then I pulled Eren along into the church with me. I dragged him along to the second front row on the right, and sat down on the very end.  
“You seem…rushed.” Eren spoke softly.  
“I wanna get this done and over with.” I replied quietly rubbing my thumb over Eren’s hand that I still held.  
More people filled in the seats, till about 6 rows were filled. Then the casket was carried in. It was white and gold, and had lilies covering the top. The priest came forward and began to speak about some church religious stuff. I didn’t really understand since I wasn’t really raised religious.   
I did my best to listen carefully and ignore the sadness and need to cry. I got down and prayed when told to-well, I pretended to know what I was doing- and listened closely when someone went up to say a speech of some sort. It felt so odd to be here again. Hearing the similar words and speeches repeated. It felt unreal. What felt the most odd was that Petra wasn’t here for this.  
My thoughts were cut off when everything and stopped and everyone got up. We were going to the graveyard to bury him now.  
“Levi?” Eren asked.   
“Sorry.” I said and got up and let him lead me out silently to the car. “I’m scared Eren.” I said stopping him before we go in the car.  
“Of?” He asked rubbing his thumb over my hand.  
“Doing this. I’m scared I’m gonna break down.” I admitted. He kissed my cheek and rested a hand on it.  
“I’ll be right there to help.” He said. Then silence crept in and he opened the car door for me to get in.  
“What were you do talking about?” Hanji asked once we sat down and buckled in.  
“Nothing.” Eren said and gave me a reassuring smile.  
“Alright,” They said brushing it off. I stared out the window and watched the scenery go bye as we went on to the graveyard. Once I saw it in view I tensed and tried to wriggle out of Eren’s grasp. In response he squeezed my hand and placed a hand on my cheek and gave me a kiss on the forehead.  
“Woah boys, tone it down.” Hanji joked half heartedly. I gave them a brief smirk and we all got out of the car. We all walked to the open grave with the casket hanging in the top of it. Eren tightly held my hand still, and I glanced up at him, he had his eyes fixed on the priest in front of us who held a book in his hands and began reciting words. Everyone’s heads were bowed while they all listened carefully to the priest speak. All I could do was just stare at Petra’s grave stone next to his. I knew I could barely stand another few moments without breaking.  
So once the priest was done and everyone started to walk around, some going back to their cars, others going around the graves and pointing to people they knew. I slipped out of Eren’s grasp and went back to Hanji’s car. I pulled off the stuffy blazer and rested my head against the seat. I put a hand over my mouth to silence my cries. The tears streamed down my face as I remembered back to that day. I tried not to let myself slip into a panic or a flashback.   
Soon enough Eren and Hanji got silently into the car, and I was in the middle crying on Eren’s shoulder while Hanji held my hand.  
“If I got there earlier-”  
“No. It wasn’t your fault.” Hanji cut me off before I could even finish. “You did what you could already. That’s all done now.” I let out another cry and then dove into Eren’s chest and damped his shirt with my tears. Eren rubbed small circles into my back to comfort me. Hanji silently got out of the car and went into the driver’s seat again and started the car up.   
“I wanna go home.” I muttered into Eren’s chest.   
“I know.” Eren said into the top of my head. He buckled up and I sat in the middle so I could cling onto him.  
“Je veux rentrer à la maison.” I said again into Eren’s chest, but this time firmer, and it came out in french. I looked up at him and went on, “Je suis contrarié et j’ai besoin de tu.”   
“Levi, honey, no one understands.” Hanji said.  
“Va te faire fuotre.” I shot back using my vulgar language.  
“Ich brauche dich auch.” Eren spoke in a German accent. “I need you too.” He whispered the translation.  
“Seriously, what are you two talking about?” I ignored them and instead stared up at Eren.  
“Puis-je t'embrasser?” I asked. He smiled down at me and nodded and I sat up as straight as I could to reach his lips.   
That was when I finally got to really kiss Eren Jaeger. It was a kiss full of emotion that lingered just enough. Our lips fit perfectly together as if it was two puzzle pieces. His lips were so warm and plump and overpowered my thin ones.  
“Woah boys!!” Hanji exclaimed swerving the car a little in shock.  
When our lips separated after what felt like forever, I whispered what I thought I would never have muttered after only having said it to very few people in my most familiar language, (just to clarify, he means by saying it in french it made it more special to him because he rarely speaks french so therefore making it a special and rare occurrence for him to say the following words in french)   
“Je t’aime Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more thing!! I'm making 2 other ereri/riren fanfictions so look out! One is a transgender au, and the other is like… um… okay so it's vamp!Levi and Mer!Eren because I'm a shitty witch who loves that shit


	7. Keep Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mushy smutty why did I write this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long I've been having a difficult time but things are better I guess.  
> I'm also gonna write a MattxMello fanfic next cause I'm trash hi  
> Also I wrote this in class enjoy

After Eren and I kissed and I said those words all went silent in the car. I stared up at Eren with what I was sure now tired puppy dog eyes.   
“Okay that I understood.” Hanji muttered under their breath. “So am I taking you boys home now?” They asked. Eren gave a nod and then slid an arm around my waist, pulling me as close as the seat belts binding us would allow him to.  
“I’m sorry for not accepting it sooner Levi.” Eren said kissing the top of my head.  
“Huh?” I asked now becoming even more groggy in his embrace.  
“I mean… like liking you….” He said into my raven black hair.  
“You said you like me already dipshit that’s kinda why we’re like this.” I said sinking deeper into him.  
“No I mean loving you.” Eren said. He let out a sigh and was about to open his mouth to speak. “I guess what I’m saying is-”  
“Here. Do you want me to hang around?” Hanji asked, the car now coming to a halt.  
“No.” I replied. Eren unbuckled and opened the door and helped me out of the car.  
“Thanks Hanji.” He said before shutting the door. Eren took my hand and lead me into the building, and he continued to hold my hand all the way to the apartment room. Once we made it inside and took off our shoes, he stumbled off to his room. I sighed and went off to my room and stripped down into my boxer briefs, and then I threw my clothes into the hamper. I picked out a large black sweater and pulled it over my head. Then there was a knock at my door. I opened it up and Eren was there, he wasn’t even completely dressed yet either. He was shirtless but still had his pants on and his mismatched socks were gone. He pushed into my room and shut the door behind him. Then suddenly I was against the door with him leaning against the door with one arm next to my head.  
“Levi, do you wanna be my boyfriend?”   
I was silent, I couldn’t find words to put my response together. So, instead I tangled my fingers into his soft, messy brown hair and pulled him towards me and mashed our lips together. He returned it, and then moved his hands onto my hips. I pulled him closer to deepen the kiss, and then pushed him towards my bed and got on top of him, straddling his hips.   
“So is that a yes?” He asked panting from the breathless kisses.  
“Fuck yeah.” I said before diving back in and attacking his sweet lips. He moaned into my mouth and ran a hand up my thigh and then started moving inwards and he rubbed my inner thigh. My underwear became a little tight, thanks large sweater for hiding it. A gasp escaped my lips causing the kiss to break. I kissed his jaw and neck while he ran his hands up and down my torso, feeling me up and then moving to my ass and massaging it. A moan slipped from my mouth and in attempt to cover it I buried myself in Eren’s neck.  
“You sound so cute Levi.” He said stealing a kiss from me.  
“Shut up brat.” I said pulling him back into a kiss, and then letting go with a sigh to speak, “Merci… de faire mieux aujourd'hui.” I whispered to him.  
“Bitte, er… you’re welcome.” He said and kissed my cheek.  
“I’m surprised you can understand me.” I said running my fingers through his hair.  
“Eh, I took french in high school. I grew up learning both german and english though.” He explained. He looked up at me and smiled.  
“It’s cute when you speak french though. You almost sound like a child in a way….” He said bringing a hand to my cheek.  
“Tch, what’s that suppose to mean?” I asked in an offended tone.  
“I mean you just sound really innocent and cute!” He said putting his hands up in defense and blushing.  
“S'il vous plaît mon loup, je suis tout sauf innocent.” I said pulling him back in for another kiss. We kissed a little more before I let my hand travel to the belt of his jeans and I undid it and took my time unbuttoning and unzipping his jeans. I attempted to tug them off his legs and he helped me by kicking them off the rest of the way. There was a bulge starting in his blue boxers which I smirked at.  
“Nice boner.” I said sitting up a little on his lap.  
“Thanks, I bet you have one too under that sweater.” He said beginning to lift up the hem of my sweater, and then quickly grabbed my hips and flipped our positions around so he was on top. The next thing I knew I was holding up my sweater with one hand while threading my other hand in Eren’s hair while he kissed down my torso to my clothed erection. My breath hitched and he smirk at me. I didn’t protest however, I let him continue. He pulled at the hem of my boxer briefs to tease me, then pulled them off all the way revealing my cock. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt his hot, thick tongue lick the underside of my member, and I let out a long moan. I could feel his thumb circle the top of my dick, and moans continued to leave my mouth.  
“E-Eren~” his name slipped out of my mouth and he took me completely into his mouth causing the heat in my abdomen to flare.  
I could hear his phone start to ring. “E-Eren y-you’re p-phon-”  
“Sh I’ll get it later, you’re more important.” Eren said and then took me back in his mouth. His cheeks were hollowed and he moved his mouth slowly up and down with his tongue dragging along.  
“Ha~ I’m really close!” I said and his phone went off again. He quickened his pace and my moans came out even quicker. My hands dug into the sheets as I felt myself reach my climax, and my mouth hung open while my eyes screwed shut. I felt him swallow and I let out a squeak. He removed his mouth and smiled at me.  
“You’re face is so red.” He said. I pulled my sweater down to cover myself, and then his phone rang again.  
“Go get your phone jack ass.” I said and sat up and kissed him. He smiled and gave me a quick kiss back and then went and got his phone.   
“Hello?” He spoke into the phone casually. I could hear the screaming voice on the other end. “Well, shit I’m sorry calm down horse face.” He paused and listened and while rolling his eyes. “Oh you wanna know what I was busy doing?” A short pause again. “I was with my boyfriend excuse you!” He shouted back into the phone.   
“Hey!” I said and crossed my arms.  
“Well I’m sorry for not coming out sooner, it doesn’t. Fucking. Matter.” Yet another pause. “Okay, okay shut the fuck up horse face, I’ll be there in a few.” He said and hung up. He groaned and flopped back down on the bed next to me. “Work.” He said.  
“It’s okay, I should probably get to work too anyways.” I said and leaned down and gave him a kiss.  
“Okay, I’ll be back in two hours.” He said and sat back up and headed off to his room. I grabbed my boxer briefs that were left astray and I slipped them back on and then left my room and headed to my office. I plopped down in my chair and turned my computer on and opened up the document of the next chapter.   
Eren came in say goodbye, and he leaned against the doorway.   
“I’m on my way baby. Be good while I’m gone, call me if you need me.” He said winking at me.  
“You make me sound like a kid, bright eyes. I’m almost fucking 36.” I said rolling my eyes.  
“I know,” he said and gave me a quick kiss. “Well, I gotta go. Bye.” With that the door shut and I was left alone. I sighed… I started typing away, and began to get into the zone. I couldn’t seem to get everything off my mind though… yes, I’m in love but that doesn’t help make me happy.  
I’m still depressed and mentally ill, it’s not like fucking some cute boy is gonna magically cure me. That’d be great, but unfortunately that’s just not how it works.   
I sat back in my chair and put my hands on my face and groaned. I seriously needed to get this done but I know I couldn’t. Everything was too much at once and honestly, it’s still so hard. I want to hurt myself… but I don’t want to hurt Eren.  
Surprisingly, there was a knock at the apartment door. I pulled myself out of my chair and dragged my body out of my office and to the door.   
“Where’s Eren?! Eren!!” In front of me was Eren’s sister, Mikasa and behind her was his little blonde friend Armin, trying to calm Mikasa down.  
“He’s at work-” Mikasa cut me off by pushing past me into the room and Armin ran after her.  
“You’re fucking my little brother?” She accused pointing a finger at me. I closed the door to avoid the whole complex hearing our discussion.  
“W-What Mikasa means to ask is, you’re dating Eren now, right?” Armin stuttered.  
“Yeah-”  
“Did you force him to do anything??” She asked backing me further into the room.  
“W-What?! No!” I stuttered.   
“I swear to fucking hell, I will kill you and dye my hair with your blood if you hurt my baby brother!” She said jabbing her finger into my chest as she backed me into the corner.  
“Mikasa! Please calm down!” The coconut- er Armin said trying to pull her away.  
“Sorry.. He just means a lot to me..” She said sighing.   
“Yeah I can tell…” I mumbled under my breath. “Well, Eren went to work. You guys can hang around till he gets home if you want.” I added, taking a glance at the clock. Armin gave me a smile and took a seat on the couch.  
“Thank you, Levi. Eren was right, you really are nice.” He said giggling softly.  
“Thanks..?” I responded in a questioning tone. I’m not nice but alright I’ll take what I can get I guess.   
Mikasa sat down, still sporting the glare. Or maybe she just had a resting bitch face who knows? Not me. I headed into the kitchen and put the kettle on. “Do either of you want tea?” I asked from the kitchen. Armin gave me a nod and spoke up quietly,  
“Um yes please… do you have peppermint?”  
“Yeah, I have basically every flavor.” I said shrugging.  
“Oh! Well thank you very much.” He said smiling. Why is this kid so god damn nice? Jesus fucking christ, it’s a little annoying.  
“So how has my brother been?” Mikasa asked turning to me.  
“Good I guess-”  
“No I mean how has he been with you-know-what?” She said cutting me off. I sighed and said,  
“I don’t know. What’s an improvement for him?” I asked and got a little nervous. I mean what if he was worse? What if he’s throwing up behind my back??  
“One meal a day and throwing it up was his usual.” Armin said sighing. “He almost ended up in the hospital before.”

“HELLO! I AM THE ALL MIGHTY HALEY THAT YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE WIT!  
“Then yeah he’s better.” I said with a sigh of relief.   
“Good..I’ve been worried lately.” Armin said smiling. I nodded and grabbed a tea bag and put it in the mug and took the kettle off the stove and filled up the mug. I gingerly made my way over to him and hand him the mug. “Thank you.” He said and gently blew on the drink before taking a small sip.  
“Levi are you a virgin?” Mikasa asked. Armin spit out half of his tea onto his own lap. My face heated up and I shot her a glare.  
“I..no I’m not.” I sighed clearing my throat.  
“Are you going to take my brother’s first time with a guy then?” She asked shooting a glare right back.  
“If he wants yeah but I might be the one to take it up the ass first.” I said in a deadpan tone. Armin spit out his tea again and coughed a little.  
“Um… I uh… so, what do you do for a living again Levi?” He asked trying to get the topic changed.  
“I’m a writer.” I said sighing. “Things are going slow though.”   
“Oh, what books have you written I probably have read it.” He said smiling.  
“Wings of Freedom.” I said and his face lit up.  
“Wait really?! That’s my favorite book series!” He exclaimed squealing.  
“I’m not giving you any updates. All I’m gonna say is I’m working on it.”  
“It’s okay! Just meeting you is enough!”  
“Levi,” Mikasa cut in, causing us both to silence and turn to her. “Please treat Eren well. Please stay with him and don’t hurt him. He’s lost so much and doesn’t deserve to lose anymore.” She said with her voice saddening.  
“I will.” I said nodding.  
Suddenly the door burst open and Eren walked in covered in snow and holding two bags. “It’s snowing like a bitch out there!” He said shutting the door and kicking his shoes off. “Oh Mikasa, Armin what are you two doing here?” He asked smiling.  
“They’re staying over for dinner.” I said and glanced over at the two to see them nod in agreement.  
“Oh! Perfect because I brought some food from the diner!” He exclaimed holding up the bags. The two got up and ran over to him smiling.  
Watching him smile and beam up was so comforting. I smiled a little to myself and bit my lip. I honestly think I can stay with him. As long as he doesn’t leave me, I have no problem staying here for him. With him. I’ll keep living for him and only him.  
Fuck I’m cliche.

**Author's Note:**

> Next update will be coming soon I think I don't know we'll see.  
> I'm working on other things so don't excpect constant updates.


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